Daily Dickhead: Crockett “I Won’t Teach Obama Supporters & Muslims” Keller

With the exception of one of my best friends, Ian, the population of the state of Texas consists of people who seem to enjoy mainlining a cocktail of Jesus juice and ignorance into their veins. The successful Republican model of miseducation, misinformation and bigotry, is one that should be written on the Texas state flag as its motto, considering the success of Texas politicians such as George Bush, Rick Perry and Louie Gohmert (to name a few).

So I suppose it should come as no surprise to anyone that an uber-hottie/state-certified gun safety instructor in Texas named…wait for it…Crockett Keller, is making a strong bigoted case for Texas to secede from the union. Let me explain..

You see, apparently times are even tough for local gunshop owners, so to make some extra money, Crockett’s been teaching gun certification courses at the shop – Yes, leave it to Texas to allow the certifiably insane to legally certify gun safety.

Anyway, to drum up some business, Crocket decided to run a radio ad – which said the following:

“If you are a non-Christian Arab or Muslim, I will not teach you the class with no shame. If you are a socialist liberal and or voted for the current campaigner in chief, please do not take this class. You have already proven that you cannot make a knowledgeable and prudent decision as under the law.”

Shockingly, his ad has been getting a ton of negative feedback.  So when a local ABC affiliate called Crockett to tell his side of the story, he obliged..aaaaaand then said the following:

“I will give up my license to teach before I will teach them. I consider all Muslims our enemies, no matter how nice they are. I could not trust one and I, as an instructor, am not going to teach one how to shoot a gun and aid him in getting a license.”

While it probably doesn’t make much sense to make fun of this obese hillbilly for either his poor usage of the English language or his weird straw nipple-hat, instead let’s make fun of his own lack of understanding anything he fucking says!

In my book, ignorance is a combination of 1) something learned and 2) a lack of knowledge. The only way to educate ignorant people is to let them see how misinformed they are – and the only way to do that is to ask simple questions in order to try to understand how much they actually understand what they’re being ignorant about. Does that make sense?

Wouldn’t it be great if journalists would begin asking these fucktards to define the subjects they’re speaking about? I mean if you have the opportunity to interview someone this ignorant, instead of asking things like ‘Do you understand why some people would be offended by what you’re saying?’ or something, why not ask him to define the world ‘socialist?’ Let him stutter to find answers and eventually realize that he doesn’t actually have a clue what the words out of his mouth mean and, thus, maybe he’ll stop saying them.

I dunno..maybe I’m being naive, but I just wish the media would call people out on their ignorant misinformed bullshit.

Watch the video below..and then watch a hilariously painful example of tea party ignorance at a Sarah Palin book signing, below that.


Daily Dickhead: Lou “I Warn ‘Blacks’ Of Demons” Engle

A couple of months ago, Texas’s crackhead Governor-turned Presidential candidate, Rick Perry, hosted something  in Houston called The Response – “a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting to rise up and make a sound that will be heard in heaven.”

While we patiently continue to await results from heaven as to whether or not The Response was indeed heard, ‘prophet’ Lou Engle has decided not to let any grass grow under his Jesus sneakers by recently announcing himself as the host of  something called..ummm..“The Call” on 11/11/11 in Detroit.

Considering Lou’s passion for killing-two-birds-with-one-stone, The Call couldn’t be more up his alley if it tried – as it promises to convert Muslims to Christianity and free gays from homosexuality. Since Muslims and gays LOVE each other so much, I’m sure The Call will be a rousing success filled with more conversions than a currency booth at the airport.

Though Lou is certainly more than capable of keeping my manties moist, I can’t tell you how excited I am to hear that my favorite faith healer, David Taylor, will be co-hosting the event. For those of you that haven’t had the pleasure of hearing David speak, his bio pretty much says everything you need to know:

“Since 1989 from the time that he was 17 years old, he has been granted well over 1000 face-to-face visitation appearances from Jesus Christ personally.”

Wow, what a lucky guy. I mean the last time I received a face-to-face visit from a bearded dude with long hair, a trip to The Eagle and shots of tequila were involved – so I can’t imagine how incredible it must be to be able to talk to a real live Jesus in-person (other than Mel Gibson). I wonder what color his time machine is..

I know one thing’s for sure – if you weren’t on board with The Call before, you are now, right? Well that’s definitely a good thing because, according to Engle, those who do not fully embrace The Call’s message can expect Demons to essentially overthrow the city of Detroit. No, seriously.

Clearly aware that Detroit has a very large African American population already cursed by demons, Engle warns that “if black and white can’t move together in prayer and sustain it – forget it let’s not even go there – you get demons seven times worse.”

You hear that, ‘blacks?’ Not 5 times worse..not 6 times worse..but SEVEN times worse. Wow. It sure does sound pretty scientific to me.

Who says Halloween is over?

Watch the video below.

Daily Dickhead: Andrea “Poverty Muppets Make No Sense” Tantaros

The Five is a new show on Fox ‘News’ chiefly hosted by perma-douchebag, Eric Bolling; but also featuring a revolving door full of plenty of other mental giants, including conserva-twerp, Greg Gutfield; horsetooth’d, Monica Crowley; NPR exile, Juan Williams; angry dragqueen, Kimberly Guilfoyle; ultimate chickenhead, Dana Perino; probable-high school-loser-turned-definite-real-life-asshole, Andrea Tantaros; and lone pseudo-liberal, Bob Beckel.

(..and now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get the mop as I’ve just ejaculated about 17 times while typing that list of winners in the game of life, above..)

I really have no personal beef with any members of the aforementioned conservative A-team, except for the fact that I have a personal beef with all of the members of the aforementioned conservative A-team. However, today, I’d like to give a special shoutout to Andrea Tantaros and Eric Bolling (who pretty much single-handeldly manages to embody everything negative about this country every time he opens his fat mouth).

In a week where The Five covered such important topics as the neverending threat of Sharia Law overtaking our court system and whether more women are empowered by feminism or firearms, the award for best story covered on the show was one that answered the age old question: Why does Sesame Street have to have a poverty-stricken muppet?

TANTAROS: Well I just don’t understand why this muppet is hungry – Obama has expanded Medicaid by $60 billion, expanded food stamps, expanded WIC (Women Infants & Children), expanded S-Chip. Why is Lily hungry?!

BOLLING: Why does Lily have to be a Muppet? Why does Sesame Street have to make Lily a poverty-stricken little Muppet?

BECKEL: Because the Muppets, the reason it’s been so successful for so long is that it educates kids…*unintelligible*…unlike people who have kids with beach houses.

BOLLING: Why is Lily a class, a group? Do we single out the black Muppet? Or the Hispanic Muppet? Why do we need to single out the hungry Muppet?

Eric Bolling is an asshole of the highest caliber that deserves giant inoperable hemorrhoids. Let’s leave it at that and move onto Andrea..

You know, I was about to get angry for a minute, but Andrea really brings up a great point. I mean with all of the MASSIVE government expansion of programs aimed to help muppets like Lily, it simply makes no sense why she lives in poverty. Is it me or does Sesame Street owe 3 year-olds everywhere an explanation as to why Lily is forced to pay with food stamps to eat lunch while Big Bird snacks on bird seed from Neiman Marcus?

Oh and the whole Lily on medicaid thing? So not fair. Just because Snuffleupagus is the child of wealthy elephant-anteaters, is it really necessary to devote an entire episode to Brooke Shields teaching him how to apply Latisse to get those luxuriousness long lashes… WHILE POOR LILY WATCHES?!

Man, if only it were easy enough to take Lily off the arm of the actor who plays her and then, instead of just dumping her in Oscar’s garbage can, let her shack up with all of the other rich muppets, such as The Count – who clearly rivals Donald Trump with that pimped-out mansion of his.

Ya know what, Andrea? I’m with you. Who gives a flying fuck that one out of every five children in the US lives in poverty?

Hey, if you’re not doing anything next week, what do you say we buy some takeout from Smith & Wollensky, ride a limo to Harlem after dark and eat our nice juicy steaks in-front of starving kids living on the street? YAY! That sounds like FUN!


Watch the video below.

Daily Dickhead(s): Personhood Mississippi

I’m about to take a while to get to my point – so bear with me…

I tend not to look at stats very often as they relate to my numbers here on the site – mostly because I don’t want anything to ever begin to chip away at the sheer enjoyment I get out of writing every day. Though the stats do tell me some pretty interesting things about my readership, they do not break down my readership via state. However, if they did, I’m pretty sure I’d find that the state of Mississippi doesn’t hold the largest concentration of Fredheads – by any stretch.

Of the many jobs I’ve had over the years, selling wholesale body piercing jewelry to tattoo & piercing shops is definitely up there with the most random jobs I’ve ever had. I was one of the top salespeople at our company and traveled a ton for work. One of the places I traveled was – you guessed it – Mississippi.

Being smack dab in the midst of my sluttiest of slutty phases, I was warned by friends and ‘clients’ to stay away from gay bars in Mississippi because men with bats apparently like to wait outside for the gays to stumble out of the bar every night.

When I went down to MS, I stayed in Jackson and was pretty fascinated by what I witnessed while exploring the capital city. It was almost as if my civil war history textbooks from high school had been frozen in time as black people were gardening (plantation-style) on large estates in the baking summer sun. And while walking around downtown, it didn’t take long to figure out Confederate flag memorabilia was more common that a mouthful of teeth or that the n-word was readily rolling off the tongues of white people as readily as “y’all.”

But, perhaps most of all, the thing that struck me the most was the poverty. Driving around some of the most impoverished areas, you’d have sworn you were in the middle of a save-the-children commercial in Africa as opposed to the capital city of one of the 50 US states. I’ll never forget those images as long as I live.

Ever since I can remember, Mississippi has consistently ranked as the poorest and least educatated state in the union. It’s also a heavily Republican state having not voted for a Democrat since 1976.

Just yesterday, I wrote about the Republican strategy for winning elections: Religion + misinformation + stupid people = win. I’m not one to really kick people when they’re down, so I’ll refrain from calling Mississippians ‘stupid.’ Instead let me just say that the “Personhood Mississippi” initiative being voted on next week in the state REAKS of misinforming less educated people.

According to Right Wing Watch: “The proposed law would criminalize abortions without exceptions without exceptions rape, incest or health of the mother, but also potentially ban certain forms of birth control, the treatment of ectopic and problem pregnancies and in-vitro fertilization…”

Considering I’m in a totally goofy mood, I was hoping to keep the subject matter of today’s Daily Dickhead light and funny today – but this proposed law is being voted on NEXT WEEK in Mississippi and the activist in me is telling me to beat the drum of equality loud and clear for women’s rights. Share this with everyone you know and hopefully we can do our part to help educate the voters in Mississippi about what they’re REALLY voting on next week.

Watch the video below and if you’re pressed for time, fast-forward to the fourth minute for the Personhood Mississippi story.


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