Daily Dickhead: Patrick “Gay Sex Causes Diaper Wearing” Wooden

As gay people in the US slowly begin to gain the rights they deserve, the heterosexual obsession with the homosexual lifestyle has reached fever pitch in the last few years. As is the case with most issues of human rights, the conversation against gay rights continues to be dictated by heterosexual men, who frankly find the idea of sex between two men to be repulsive. And my question continues to be WHY DO THEY CARE?!

As many of you know, I’ve highlighted many absurd arguments made by various people against the gay lifestyle. However, out of all of the arguments that I’ve heard, I don’t think I can honestly say that I’ve heard anyone use the having-anal-sex-leads-to-a-lifetime-of-wearing-diapers-and-buttplugs-stance.

Yes, a North Carolina pastor, by the name of Patrick Wooden, was a guest on Peter LaBarbera and Matt Barber’s Christian verbal orgy and got EXTREMELY graphic about the dangers of anal sex.

He said: “The God of the Bible made the human sperm, the God of the Bible designed it and it was not designed to be emptied into an area that is filled with feces, there is nothing for it to germinate with, it will most certainly mean the extinction of the human race. My belief is that if the medical community would just step forward and just would share with the American people what happens to the male anus, the problems that homosexuals have with their rectums, the damage that is done, the operations that are needed to sew up their bodies if you will, and how many of the men don’t even give these stitches time to heal before they are back out there practicing that wicked behavior. Some are bleeders, men who are not turned off by ingesting the feces of other men… If the truth was told, people would literally gag and no one would want to be in a lifestyle like that. Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a butt plug just to be able to contain their bowels?”

Fascinating. I mean who knew that in between visits to Tim Tebow in Denver, god spends his time designing anally-incompatible sperm?

Here’s the deal, peeps: I hinted earlier this week that I just may have had sex once or twice in my life. This may shock you, but I’ve also had a fair amount of butt sex, too – both ways. And guess what? I haven’t worn a diaper since I was a baby and I’ve never used a butt plug. Yes, folks, my asshole is fine – thanks for asking.

Side note: The male g-spot is located…..drumroll, please….in the ass! Believe it.

Listen to the absurdity below.

Daily Dickhead: Amber “Virgins Get Good Grades And Make $400K” Haskew

Of the many things that I’m not, a virgin is one of them – I know, I know..you’re shocked. But you see, back when I was a teenager, we didn’t have anyone telling us that we would be rewarded with $370,000 simply for keeping our dick in our pants until marriage.

Yes, the good virginal folks over at The Liberty Council have decided to rename Valentine’s Day the ‘Day Of Purity’ while encouraging students to “make a public demonstration of their commitment to remain sexually pure, in mind and actions.” Sounds positively non-orgasmic, doesn’t it?

According to the event coordinator, Amber Haskew, it’s imperative to have surgery to sew your vagina closed to resemble your favorite Barbie doll. Just kidding – she didn’t say that, but she did make an odd game show-like promise that if you save your nether regions for marriage, you………….could……..make…….four…hundred…THOUSAND…dollars!

She says: “Teens who abstain are likely to have greater future orientation, greater impulse control, greater perseverance, greater resistance to peer pressure, and more respect for parental and societal values. These traits are likely to contribute to higher academic achievement. In short, teen virgins are more likely to possess character traits that lead to success in life. Moreover, the practice of abstinence is likely to foster positive character traits that, in turn, will contribute to academic performance … In our society, greater educational attainment leads, on average, to higher lifetime incomes. Because they are more successful in school, teen virgins can expect to have, on average, incomes that will be 16 percent higher than sexually active teens from identical socio-economic backgrounds. This will mean an average increase of $370,000 in income over a lifetime.”

See, peeps! To get good grades in school and make lots of money, all it takes is to not be sexual during the most sexually charged point in your lives!

Look, I’m not advocating being a hobag; but honestly there are worse things you can do with your time than masturbate and get a little nookie from your boyfriend or girlfriend. By all means, have values; but I’m so sick of religious groups tempting people to be pure with messages that are equal parts fear and reward based. Let people live their OWN lives and STOP the preaching!

Watch the video below.

Daily Dickhead(s): Mike and Cindy “I Reverse Hysterectomies” Jacobs

We all know that America’s favorite Gay Demon Exorcist, Cindy Jacobs, has the answer to all of life’s mysteries thanks to her special inside track with god. God’s helped her to thwart attempted government coups in Africa and he’s helped Cindy realize that the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was responsible for massive amounts animal suicides around the world, last spring. Well recently, Cindy added to her supernatural resume when she told viewers of her show with husband (wink, wink) Mike, God Knows, that she recently reversed a hysterectomy. Amazing. Is there anything this woman can’t do?!

Personally, I’ve become very aware of hysterectomies in the past year. Why? Well, when you google Fred Hystere (or simply Hystere), you’re presented with the choice of all things related to hysterectomies. From now on, just call me Fred Hysterectomy.

Anyway..moving along.

Watch below as Cindy’s ‘husband’ gets so excited speaking about his “wife’s” hysterectomy-reversing abilities, that you’ll swear he’s giving a handjob under the table while secretly wishing he were wearing Cindy’s GORGEOUS maroon tinfoil blouse.


Daily Dickhead: Todd “I Beat People And Heal Them” Bentley

Todd Bentley is a tattooed “Canadian Christian evangelist” who ‘found’ god at the age of 18 after being convicted of sexual assault and overdosing on amphetamines and hallucinogenics. He looks like the ugly brother of Fred Durst and like someone who would possibly go ape shit and kill you while piercing your belly button. What I’m saying is, in this case, it is perfectly acceptable to judge a book by its cover as this dude is more than a couple of pancakes short of a stack – you know, loco en la cabeza.

Bentley believes in supernatural healing; he’s like a more violent version of those guys you see on TV touching people’s heads and claiming that they’ve just been stroked by the hand of god and healed; making them fall over.

In 2008, in the midst of marital problems which lead to a divorce, Bentley found time to heal a woman with crippled legs by “banging them up and down on the platform like a baseball bat.” Why? Well because god told him to, of course!

He says: “I walked up and I grabbed her legs and I started going BAM. I started banging them up and down on the platform. She got healed.”

He then asked god “Why is not the power of God moving?” (i.e, the bitch was just laying there and couldn’t move after being kicked. Imagine that!)

God replied: “Because you haven’t kicked that woman in the face.” At which point, you guessed it, Bentley kicked her in the face and then she was allegedly ‘healed.’

But that was in 2008. Bentley lands in the dickhead zone today for his claim to have healed a man with cancer and a broken sternum by..um…PUNCHING HIM IN THE STERNUM. He appeared on Rick Joyner (of thunder-means-god-is-speaking-to-you and stack-bibles-around-your-house-to-save-you-from-earthquakes fame)’s show, Prophetic Perspectives, to discuss this miraculous cancer healing.

He says: “He (the man) didn’t come for the service; he was at the hotel here. And he heard me give this word ‘I’m going to pray for anyone that has cancer right now.’ And I didn’t realize he was in a truck accident and he broke his sternum and he had several broken ribs – the lord didn’t tell me this………So when he finally came up onto the platform and I was going to go pray for him the lord spoke to me – and I know it was the lord, we only do this when it’s the lord……The lord told me ‘I want you to punch him in the sternum as hard as you can.’”

This is why I think religion is nuts. Take religion out of the equation and this is just some crazy guy hearing voices. But under the guise of that voice being the voice of god, he’s considered a hero? Give me a fucking break.

Watch the video below.

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