Daily Dickhead: Rick “The Bigoted Racist” Santorum

santorumI was really hoping to find a more light-hearted story to write about for today’s Daily Dickhead, mostly because I miss adding a little satire into my writing. However, I simply cannot ignore the fecal matter being spewed from the mouth of Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

If you’re a political junkie like me, you’re probably already aware that the Iowa caucus is on the minds of every 24 hour news station 24 hours a day. In which case, you’re probably also aware that former Senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum, is surging in the polls and quite possibly may end up winning the Iowan Republican caucus later today.

It’d take wayyyyyyyyy too long for me to go down the list of appalling things Santorum has said over the years. Plus, why spend time looking for old soundbites when, in the past few days, Santorum has been nothing but a walking soundbite waiting to happen. However, even for Santorum, he was in rare form yesterday when he not only promised to invalidate all gay marriages should he become President, but he also managed to throw down another racist comment to go with one from early 2011.

Quite a busy 24 hours of hate, dontcha think?

In response to a question from Chuck Todd about what would happen to existing marriages if he signed a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages, Santorum said: “Well, their marriage would be invalid. I think if the constitution says ‘marriage is this,’ then people whose marriage is not consistent with the constitution… I’d love to think there’s another way of doing it.”

In the clip below he keeps talking about marriage being a ‘special’ relationship. And I just don’t get why people think it’s OK to give special privileges to one group of people over another. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but what on earth is the point of denying people happiness? At the end of the day, does it make these Republicans happy that they’re preventing a specific group of people from having a chance at a loving life with one another?

Next, Santorum decided to make a very off color, blatantly racist comment about black people and government assistance.

He said: “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money and provide for themselves and their families.

*Interesting side note: The amount of white people on government assistance FAR outnumbers the amount of black people.

And now a little history..

While speaking about President Obama’s views on abortion earlier last year, he said: “I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, ‘No, we are gonna decide who are people and who are not people.’

Cute.

Watch all 3 videos below.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 

 

Daily Dickhead: Dutch “Oven Under The” Sheets

Dutch Sheets n. 1) Bed clothing pulled over one’s head after their partner farts into them 2) Bed clothing scented by marijuana cigarettes 3) A religious right Christian fuckwad who believes that Barack Obama is a Muslim. (No, seriously – that’s really his name.)

Sheets is a self-proclaimed prophet and an ‘internationally known speaker and author;’ having written a best-seller, that I know is on all of your bookshelves, called Intercessory Prayer. He lives in Alabama with his equally oddly-named wife, Ceci, and their children Poopoo, Salad and Peanut. (Those aren’t really their names, but they might as well be. Am I right?)

According to his website, Sheets’s greatest passion is to ‘see awakening in our day and reformation in our lifetime’ - which must make him a joy to wake up next to every day when he realizes that yet again his prayers have not been answered.

When he’s not busy imitating farty bed clothes, Dutch Sheets can be heard making reaaaaaaally useful stuttering commentary about the religion of our President, by saying things like:

“We have a Muslim President – and maybe he’s going to turn to god; and we pray for him. Maybe he’s going to turn and be a – a person that god uses in more than just some of the ways that we appreciate the fact that we’ve reached this point in America. But for now we understand – of course it’s not just Barack, Barack Obama – it’s the Congress- and it’s not just the Democrats because, look, I’d get rid of most of the Republicans too.”

Classy, irrelevant..and Republican.

But, but, BUT…there’s more! Even better than his ignorant Obama-is-a-Muslim commentary, is the fake-prophetic garbage tucked away inside a recent fundraising letter, cunningly disguised as a Call To Prayer, in which Mr. Sheets warns of impending terrorist attacks on US soil by saying:

“Within the last few months I have had several credible dreams presented to me about this, five of which have been within the last week.”

Oh, no! Mon dieu! So, Dutch, what exactly happens in these ‘credible dreams?!’

“I don’t feel it is necessary to give details from the dreams – suffice it to say that the attacks seen were worse than 9/11.”

Oh..Okay! I’ve never heard of a ‘credible dream’ but I’m sure that if anyone has them, you do – considering you’re such a successful prophet, and whatnot.

The best part of the whole letter? It’s signed “Thank you for joining me in this watchman alert.”

What the fuck is a ‘watchman alert’ and are superheroes involved?

I guess the moral of the story is that if you happen to see a Chuck Norris lookalike who looks as if he’s ready to cropdust your house, call the police – it’s probably Dutch Sheets.

Watch the video below.

 

Daily Dickhead: Crockett “I Won’t Teach Obama Supporters & Muslims” Keller

With the exception of one of my best friends, Ian, the population of the state of Texas consists of people who seem to enjoy mainlining a cocktail of Jesus juice and ignorance into their veins. The successful Republican model of miseducation, misinformation and bigotry, is one that should be written on the Texas state flag as its motto, considering the success of Texas politicians such as George Bush, Rick Perry and Louie Gohmert (to name a few).

So I suppose it should come as no surprise to anyone that an uber-hottie/state-certified gun safety instructor in Texas named…wait for it…Crockett Keller, is making a strong bigoted case for Texas to secede from the union. Let me explain..

You see, apparently times are even tough for local gunshop owners, so to make some extra money, Crockett’s been teaching gun certification courses at the shop – Yes, leave it to Texas to allow the certifiably insane to legally certify gun safety.

Anyway, to drum up some business, Crocket decided to run a radio ad – which said the following:

“If you are a non-Christian Arab or Muslim, I will not teach you the class with no shame. If you are a socialist liberal and or voted for the current campaigner in chief, please do not take this class. You have already proven that you cannot make a knowledgeable and prudent decision as under the law.”

Shockingly, his ad has been getting a ton of negative feedback.  So when a local ABC affiliate called Crockett to tell his side of the story, he obliged..aaaaaand then said the following:

“I will give up my license to teach before I will teach them. I consider all Muslims our enemies, no matter how nice they are. I could not trust one and I, as an instructor, am not going to teach one how to shoot a gun and aid him in getting a license.”

While it probably doesn’t make much sense to make fun of this obese hillbilly for either his poor usage of the English language or his weird straw nipple-hat, instead let’s make fun of his own lack of understanding anything he fucking says!

In my book, ignorance is a combination of 1) something learned and 2) a lack of knowledge. The only way to educate ignorant people is to let them see how misinformed they are – and the only way to do that is to ask simple questions in order to try to understand how much they actually understand what they’re being ignorant about. Does that make sense?

Wouldn’t it be great if journalists would begin asking these fucktards to define the subjects they’re speaking about? I mean if you have the opportunity to interview someone this ignorant, instead of asking things like ‘Do you understand why some people would be offended by what you’re saying?’ or something, why not ask him to define the world ‘socialist?’ Let him stutter to find answers and eventually realize that he doesn’t actually have a clue what the words out of his mouth mean and, thus, maybe he’ll stop saying them.

I dunno..maybe I’m being naive, but I just wish the media would call people out on their ignorant misinformed bullshit.

Watch the video below..and then watch a hilariously painful example of tea party ignorance at a Sarah Palin book signing, below that.

 

Daily Dickhead: Lou “I Warn ‘Blacks’ Of Demons” Engle

A couple of months ago, Texas’s crackhead Governor-turned Presidential candidate, Rick Perry, hosted something  in Houston called The Response – “a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting to rise up and make a sound that will be heard in heaven.”

While we patiently continue to await results from heaven as to whether or not The Response was indeed heard, ‘prophet’ Lou Engle has decided not to let any grass grow under his Jesus sneakers by recently announcing himself as the host of  something called..ummm..“The Call” on 11/11/11 in Detroit.

Considering Lou’s passion for killing-two-birds-with-one-stone, The Call couldn’t be more up his alley if it tried – as it promises to convert Muslims to Christianity and free gays from homosexuality. Since Muslims and gays LOVE each other so much, I’m sure The Call will be a rousing success filled with more conversions than a currency booth at the airport.

Though Lou is certainly more than capable of keeping my manties moist, I can’t tell you how excited I am to hear that my favorite faith healer, David Taylor, will be co-hosting the event. For those of you that haven’t had the pleasure of hearing David speak, his bio pretty much says everything you need to know:

“Since 1989 from the time that he was 17 years old, he has been granted well over 1000 face-to-face visitation appearances from Jesus Christ personally.”

Wow, what a lucky guy. I mean the last time I received a face-to-face visit from a bearded dude with long hair, a trip to The Eagle and shots of tequila were involved – so I can’t imagine how incredible it must be to be able to talk to a real live Jesus in-person (other than Mel Gibson). I wonder what color his time machine is..

I know one thing’s for sure – if you weren’t on board with The Call before, you are now, right? Well that’s definitely a good thing because, according to Engle, those who do not fully embrace The Call’s message can expect Demons to essentially overthrow the city of Detroit. No, seriously.

Clearly aware that Detroit has a very large African American population already cursed by demons, Engle warns that “if black and white can’t move together in prayer and sustain it – forget it let’s not even go there – you get demons seven times worse.”

You hear that, ‘blacks?’ Not 5 times worse..not 6 times worse..but SEVEN times worse. Wow. It sure does sound pretty scientific to me.

Who says Halloween is over?

Watch the video below.

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