Daily Dickhead: Tamara “Gay Marriage Will Lead To Women Marrying Objects” Scott

As you may have heard, the legalization of gay marriage is ruining lives left and right. Heterosexual marriages are being thrown into disarray; natural disasters are tearing the earth apart; animals are dying at random and in droves; and farmers are divorcing their wives and marrying their cattle. Yes, gay people are plotting a world takeover which will include making it illegal for women to have any haircut other than Martina Navratilova’s infamous mullet circa 1991, and renaming every island in the world to La Isla Bonita.

But, unfortunately, there’s more..

Last week, Michele Batshitty Bachmann’s campaign announced that it had named Tamara Scott to serve as its Iowa Co-Chair. In order to mark such a momentous occasion, Tamara decided the most logical way to celebrate would be to hop aboard the crazy train and head straight into the arms of toupee’d former Iowa gubernatorial candidate (and total goober), Bob Vander Plaats, to warn the world of yet another consequence of the gay agenda: People marrying objects – like the Eiffel Tower. Seriously.

She says: “We have in Boston – in Illinois – polyamory sex. We didn’t bring up even the objective sexualism: When a woman marries the Eiffel Tower, or  someone marries an object. Now will we again – and when I say this all of you at home are (probably) thinking ‘This woman is NUTS!’ I’m not making it up..”

You? Nuts? Nah.. Maybe a tad geographically challenged (Boston, Illinois?), but certainly not nuts. In fact, I can personally vouch for the truth that Tamara speaks because I saw it with my own gay eyes.

When gay marriage was legalized in Iowa back in 2009, like many gays, I decided to go to Paris to celebrate. Upon arriving at Charles de Gaulle Airport, I decided to get my souvenir shopping out of the way. But to my dismay, EVERY shop was sold out of anything remotely shaped like the Eiffel Tower. While I was certainly upset, I didn’t think anything of it – until I arrived in downtown Paris. What I witnessed can only be described as the sickest consequence of allowing gay people to marry in Iowa..

:::cue Twilight Zone theme song:::

..as the complete sexual objectification of monuments all over the city of lights had begun! Everywhere I turned women were walking around with Eiffel Tower souvenirs sticking out of their vaginas. They’d taken over every restaurant, cafe, bus, subway and sidewalk with their sick public displays of souvenir affection – and there was nothing I could do.

I’ve never been so scared in my life!

So what did I do? Well, I did what any self-respecting gay man does in such a crisis – I looked for signs of Jesus in every nook, cranny, book and granny. I searched and searched and searched..until FINALLY I found him on a piece of toast; hopped on board and flew back to the US – safe and sound.

Nobody should have to go through the ordeal that I went through in Paris in 2009. We all must listen to Tamara Scott and prevent gay couples from living happy lives together with protection under the law before women beginning acting out and marrying monuments all over the country.

Watch her PSA below and vote for Michele Bachmann for President in 2012. Please.

 

Daily Dickhead: Kirk “I Don’t Know History” Cameron

The conservative plan to win elections could not be more simplistic if it tried: Religion + misinformation + stupid people = win.

In the last couple of years, we’ve seen the term “commonsense conservative” all but totally eradicated from memory with the introduction of mental midgets such as Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin and more into the fray. Republicans feel that, if they can keep their base’s anger misdirected towards issues such as gay marriage and healthcare, they can win big at the polls in 2012.

Though my mother is eternally a pessimist, I’m quite the opposite and have hope that the American public won’t be stupid enough to vote against themselves come election day next year. But I must say that I’m more than a little worried- and stupidity, such as the video below, is the chief reason why.

Many of you will remember Kirk Cameron for his starring role on 90s sitcom, Growing Pains, as he was the quintessential mullet’d heartthrob of his time. Recently, he’s been riding the crackpot train all over the place, making stops to visit Bryan Fischer and now Wallbuilders’ Rick Green. Having discovered that pesky hide-n-seek-obsessed man, Jesus, a few years back, Cameron’s thrown his hat into the ring of crazy and today misquoted The Gettysburg Address.

While appearing on my FAVORITE show, Praise The Lord, he decided to test the waters of misinformation by totally fucking up his own trick question to the audience.

He said: “If we could just get a little more simplistic – if we could just ask you in the audience, today: Do you know what’s in The Constituation versus what’s in The Declaration Of Independence? These are important documents –and which one begins with the phrase “Four score and seven years ago?” Ok, wait, that was a trick question – that was the Emancipation Proclamation.”

Now, obviously, he’s a moron as the correct answer is The Gettysburg Address. But the real issue that we’ve got here isn’t the fact that idiots such as Kirk Cameron don’t know history, as much as the fact that they’re proclaiming to be voices of fact when they’re instead voices of misinformation.

Moral of the story? Educate yourself because Kirk Cameron sure isn’t going to.

Watch the video below.

 

Daily Dickhead: Michele “Vote For Me Because I Hate You” Bachmann

At this point, Batshitty Bachmann needs no introduction whatsoever as (unfortunately) she’s spent the entire year in the public eye, as the biggest joke in a race of many, seeking the Republican nomination to run for President in 2012.

As the year has worn on, I’ve tried to steer clear of wasting my time on anything Bachmann says, mostly because I know she has no chance in hell of becoming President of the United States. She has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of substance to say whatsoever, and many of her ideas are just plain stupid; so much so that it’s become nearly impossible to decipher exactly what she *does* stand for other than everything that President Obama does not. From the suggestion that she’d cut taxes down to..um..zero, to her promise to slash gas prices down to under $2, she’s just an irrelevant moron.

So why, then, am I wasting my time talking about Bachmann today? Well, because, just in time for Halloween, I think Bachmann may have finally revealed herself to be the evil witch that she truly is, thanks to comments  about healthcare made during a town hall meeting last week.

She said: “We will always have people in this country through hardship, through no fault of their own, who won’t be able to afford health care. That’s just the way it is. But usually what we have are charitable organizations or hospitals who have enough left over so that they can pick up the cost for the indigent who can’t afford it. But what we have to do is be a profitable nation that’s growing, so that we can pay for those people who can’t afford it through no fault of their own. Once ‘Obamacare’ is gone, this is what we have to do.“

As someone who lives in the most expensive area of the country and who can’t afford health care right now, I’d LOVE to know about these so-called ‘charitable organizations or hospitals’ whose cups runneth over with healthcare ‘left overs’ to give to me and my fellow ‘indigent’ citizens.

I’m convinced that every morning Michelle Bachmann fills her vagina with the human equivalent to catnip, because there is simply no logical explanation as to why anyone, much less people who are struggling to pay their bills, should want to vote for her. Seriously, how many ways does a person need to tell you that they hate you and don’t care about you before you believe them?!

Between Mitt Romney’s stupid comments about letting the housing crisis ‘play itself out’ while millions of Americans struggle not to have their houses foreclosed on, and pretty much everything that Bachmann says, I can’t help but wonder how on earth anyone other than wealthy people can possibly vote for a Republican?

Oh..right:

‘Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.’ -H.L. Mencken

 

Hate Herman Cain? Blame President Obama

The Republican Party has turned into the laughing stock of our political system, thanks to crackpots such as Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich and many many more. They’ve become so socially conservative that, by comparison, they make George Bush look like a liberal; while making it clear that The Republican Party is a party for only the wealthiest of Americans. Which brings me to the tragedy of President Obama..

The people who are remembered most fondly in the world are those that were both leaders and visionaries, such as Steve Jobs, and the same goes for Presidents. While I believe that President Obama is certainly capable of the sort of conviction one needs in order to be a leader, he seems to lack the same visionary quality that former Presidents such as FDR, JFK, Teddy Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson had. Visionaries don’t play politics — they see untraveled paths and take them without fear, regardless of how unpopular they may be. Obama has played it incredibly safe, reacting to Republicans and, though he’s accomplished a lot, he hasn’t really pushed the envelope in any appreciable way, in my opinion, and has done a piss poor job at selling his ideas to the American public.

In 2008, I was more excited than I’ve ever been to exercise my right to vote.  For the first time in my lifetime, people of all ages were excited about politics again and it was all because of President Obama. But three years later, like many people my age, I don’t believe in the President enough anymore to give him my vote for any reason other than because he’s a lesser-of-two evils, which makes me very sad.

Though my mother disagrees, I truly believe that the younger generations in the US are progressively liberal. Given that fact, why The President decided to spend his first four years largely abandoning 18-35 year olds is beyond me. Because if he was the type of visionary I wanted to believe that he was back in 2008, he’d understand that apart from anything else, his ‘golden ticket’ towards a 2nd term lies in the youth vote — a group that was heavily on his side a few years ago. Instead of sitting on the sidelines waiting for him to do something, that age group has taken matters into their own hands with the Occupy Wall Street movement. This is a fight Obama should’ve been leading from the beginning, and has only begun to show interest in again now that he’s up for re-election.

Which brings me to my Daily Dickhead, Herman Cain.

I don’t for a minute believe that Herman Cain has a chance to become President of the United States of America in 2012, but I blame President Obama for the popularity of crackpots such as Cain and the rest of them. By catering towards groups of people that were never going to vote for him anyway, the rise of people such as Cain has been made possible. That Cain’s voice is being heard by anyone other than his wife is very troubling, and I’ve heard several otherwise intelligent people having conversations about Cain and how excited they are to vote for him.

Currently, Cain is promoting an autobiography and has recently been seen making the publicity rounds to every major media outlet there is — giving plenty of insane soundbites along the way. A few of the more frightening ones from the past week are below. Be afraid..be very afraid.

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