Daily Dickhead: Patrick “Gay Sex Causes Diaper Wearing” Wooden

As gay people in the US slowly begin to gain the rights they deserve, the heterosexual obsession with the homosexual lifestyle has reached fever pitch in the last few years. As is the case with most issues of human rights, the conversation against gay rights continues to be dictated by heterosexual men, who frankly find the idea of sex between two men to be repulsive. And my question continues to be WHY DO THEY CARE?!

As many of you know, I’ve highlighted many absurd arguments made by various people against the gay lifestyle. However, out of all of the arguments that I’ve heard, I don’t think I can honestly say that I’ve heard anyone use the having-anal-sex-leads-to-a-lifetime-of-wearing-diapers-and-buttplugs-stance.

Yes, a North Carolina pastor, by the name of Patrick Wooden, was a guest on Peter LaBarbera and Matt Barber’s Christian verbal orgy and got EXTREMELY graphic about the dangers of anal sex.

He said: “The God of the Bible made the human sperm, the God of the Bible designed it and it was not designed to be emptied into an area that is filled with feces, there is nothing for it to germinate with, it will most certainly mean the extinction of the human race. My belief is that if the medical community would just step forward and just would share with the American people what happens to the male anus, the problems that homosexuals have with their rectums, the damage that is done, the operations that are needed to sew up their bodies if you will, and how many of the men don’t even give these stitches time to heal before they are back out there practicing that wicked behavior. Some are bleeders, men who are not turned off by ingesting the feces of other men… If the truth was told, people would literally gag and no one would want to be in a lifestyle like that. Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a butt plug just to be able to contain their bowels?”

Fascinating. I mean who knew that in between visits to Tim Tebow in Denver, god spends his time designing anally-incompatible sperm?

Here’s the deal, peeps: I hinted earlier this week that I just may have had sex once or twice in my life. This may shock you, but I’ve also had a fair amount of butt sex, too – both ways. And guess what? I haven’t worn a diaper since I was a baby and I’ve never used a butt plug. Yes, folks, my asshole is fine – thanks for asking.

Side note: The male g-spot is located…..drumroll, please….in the ass! Believe it.

Listen to the absurdity below.

Daily Dickhead: Janice “The Troll Of Troy” Daniels (R-MI)

The Tea Party was allegedly supposed to be comprised of a bunch of people fed up with the ways of Washington who wanted to help enact real financial reform after the Wall Street meltdown of 2008. However, it’s become very clear that Tea Partiers are truly just a rebranded version of the extreme Right Wing of the Republican Party; comprised of evangelical Christians and extreme social conservatives.

Janice Daniels is the Republican mayor of Troy, Michigan; elected just four weeks ago on a platform of ‘Tea Party values.’ She kind of looks like Christine Baranski’s ugly cross-eyed sister, but (unlike many tea partiers) seems to understand how to speak the English language – which is one of the reasons why the following Facebook status she wrote in response to New York state’s legalization of gay marriage in June is extremely offensive:

“I think I am going to throw away my ‘I love New York’ carrying bag now that queers can get married there.”

Yea? Wow, you’re SUCH a diva!

In between overly-applying eye shadow, shopping at Ross’s and fixing the hair helmet on her head, Daniels was interviewed by a local news station about her comments and said:

“I regret having said it. It was inappropriate language that I used to describe a group of people, although I do believe that marriage is between one man and one woman. It was just an inappropriate remark and I apologize for it.”

When asked about her thoughts on gay rights, she said this:

“I think as the mayor of Troy my personal opinions aren’t really of the issue. I don’t think it’s an issue the mayor of Troy needs to address.”

Here’s my issue. If Daniels had made the same comment about ANY other minority, she would’ve been drummed out of office. But because she’s speaking about gay people, it’s ok? She says she doesn’t think gay rights is an ‘issue the mayor of Troy needs to address’ which is basically saying ‘gay people don’t live in Troy’ and it’s not an issue. Was she not elected to represent ALL people?

With all of the news about kids being bullied left and right for being gay, our elected officials NEED to be the ones that come out publicly against incendiary language, i.e., anything derogatory. The only way we’re going to be able to get past the issue of bullying is when ‘adults’ in the room (i.e., government officials, teachers and parents) begin acting like adults and setting the example.

Disappointing. Bitch. Disappointing, bitch.

Daily Dickhead: Buster “Men Will Marry Their Cars” Wilson

No issue is threatening the moral fiber of our country more than gay marriage. Like you, I live in constant fear of gay couples legally living happy lives together – so much so that I’m scared to leave my home. Well I hate to break it to you, but it looks as though we have even more reasons to be scared than we initially thought.

As I reported a couple of weeks ago, there’s been a huge uptick in the amount of cases reported relating to women marrying objects, such as the Eiffel Tower. Well now the problem has crossed over to males, as men across the nation have been filing licenses to begin marriages to buildings, cars and dogs – which is funny considering I literally saw my next door neighbor gyrating his dick up against the gas tank to his brand new FIAT the other day; while yelling “I love you, Jennifer!”

Yes, according to Buster Wilson from the American Family Association, gay marriage will lead to polyamory.

:::CUE TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC AGAIN:::

He says: “Polyamory, that’s gonna come out of it. We have talked about people who brought to the forefront their desire to marry—one guy had a desire to marry a building, another one a car, another one his dog. It’s just unbelievable, if you throw off the restraints and you say there’s no Christianity that’s going to guide how we look at this issue as a nation, then anything goes.”

Omg, TOE.TAL.EE..  TOTALLY!

Between the ‘war on Christmas’ and the gay/Muslim takeovers sweeping the nation, Christianity is in SO MUCH TROUBLE of becoming obsolete. And when it does, how are we ever going to survive without its moral compass leading us towards ignorance, bigotry, hatred..and The Republican Party?

I would help you ponder these thoughts longer, but if you’ll excuse me, my mother’s on her way over and I need to propose to her minivan – I’ve been eyeing it for YEARS.

Watch the video below.

Daily Dickhead: Greg ‘I Talk Out Of My Redeye’ Gutfield

Greg Gutfield is the former host of a Fox News show, whose name doubles as a synonym for butthole, named Redeye – which is ironic considering almost everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like a loud wet fart, as far as I’m concerned.

Greg is now co-host of Fox’s The Five (Assholes), along with a list of people so obnoxious that the mere thought of  having to type all of their names is giving me cramps. Or, wait..maybe the 6 tacos I just ate are giving me cramps. Either way, I have cramps, and I’m not going to spend the time typing all of their names.

Those of you who follow politics are probably aware that Rep Barney Frank (D-MA) announced Tuesday that he will not seek re-election in 2012 due to the redistricting of his seat. I, for one, was extremely bummed to hear the news, mostly because Frank has been one of my biggest political inspirations for years, as well as one of the first politicians to come out as openly gay. He’s long been a huge champion for gay rights and a dogged fighter for Wall Street regulation and reform – something that’s caused him to be hated by almost everyone in the Republican Party.

But while I didn’t expect for one second that Fox News would spend any time commemorating the good things Barney Frank had done, I was kind of surprised that someone such as Greg Gutfield would’ve offered such a low blow towards Frank and the gay community in general when he said:

“Can I make a prediction? Where do we see Frank going? I see a memoir in eight months called ‘Being Frank.’ He’ll talk about being gay, struggling with his weight. And then, he’s going to later after that, opening up a bed and breakfast. There won’t be any breakfast, so it will just be beds. It will be highly successful.”

Here’s the thing: I’m sure many people are reading that and thinking ‘What’s the big deal? Why are you so upset?’ I’ll tell you why I’m upset.

There are many jokes I can take – lord, Lisa Lampinelli is one of my favorite comedians. But, whether it’s Tracey Morgan telling me that if I can take a dick in my ass I should be able to take a joke, or it’s Greg Gutfield making veiled references to Barney Frank opening up a brothel, I’m not laughing at all. Why does there always need to be such a huge focus on sex when it comes to gay people? Is it because imagining two men or women having sex is the thing that makes people so uncomfortable that they feel the need to say bigoted things? I’m not for a minute saying that either one of the things Morgan or Gutfield said were bigoted per se, but they represent a huge part of the problem and one that leads to bigotry, in my opinion.

The counter argument I always hear when someone wonders why it always has to be about sex with gay people, is that gay people always make it about sex. Well, guess what? The reason that gay people always make it about sex is because our loving relationships aren’t recognized by our government as legal. We focus on sex because you’ve made it impossible for us to focus on the same things everybody else does, i.e., love!

Until gay people are recognized equally under the law as anything other than 1st class citizens just like everyone else, it’s officially not acceptable to make gay jokes related to sex unless you’re a gay person or one of my friends. Sorry.

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