Daily Dickhead: Greg ‘I Talk Out Of My Redeye’ Gutfield

Greg Gutfield is the former host of a Fox News show, whose name doubles as a synonym for butthole, named Redeye – which is ironic considering almost everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like a loud wet fart, as far as I’m concerned.

Greg is now co-host of Fox’s The Five (Assholes), along with a list of people so obnoxious that the mere thought of  having to type all of their names is giving me cramps. Or, wait..maybe the 6 tacos I just ate are giving me cramps. Either way, I have cramps, and I’m not going to spend the time typing all of their names.

Those of you who follow politics are probably aware that Rep Barney Frank (D-MA) announced Tuesday that he will not seek re-election in 2012 due to the redistricting of his seat. I, for one, was extremely bummed to hear the news, mostly because Frank has been one of my biggest political inspirations for years, as well as one of the first politicians to come out as openly gay. He’s long been a huge champion for gay rights and a dogged fighter for Wall Street regulation and reform – something that’s caused him to be hated by almost everyone in the Republican Party.

But while I didn’t expect for one second that Fox News would spend any time commemorating the good things Barney Frank had done, I was kind of surprised that someone such as Greg Gutfield would’ve offered such a low blow towards Frank and the gay community in general when he said:

“Can I make a prediction? Where do we see Frank going? I see a memoir in eight months called ‘Being Frank.’ He’ll talk about being gay, struggling with his weight. And then, he’s going to later after that, opening up a bed and breakfast. There won’t be any breakfast, so it will just be beds. It will be highly successful.”

Here’s the thing: I’m sure many people are reading that and thinking ‘What’s the big deal? Why are you so upset?’ I’ll tell you why I’m upset.

There are many jokes I can take – lord, Lisa Lampinelli is one of my favorite comedians. But, whether it’s Tracey Morgan telling me that if I can take a dick in my ass I should be able to take a joke, or it’s Greg Gutfield making veiled references to Barney Frank opening up a brothel, I’m not laughing at all. Why does there always need to be such a huge focus on sex when it comes to gay people? Is it because imagining two men or women having sex is the thing that makes people so uncomfortable that they feel the need to say bigoted things? I’m not for a minute saying that either one of the things Morgan or Gutfield said were bigoted per se, but they represent a huge part of the problem and one that leads to bigotry, in my opinion.

The counter argument I always hear when someone wonders why it always has to be about sex with gay people, is that gay people always make it about sex. Well, guess what? The reason that gay people always make it about sex is because our loving relationships aren’t recognized by our government as legal. We focus on sex because you’ve made it impossible for us to focus on the same things everybody else does, i.e., love!

Until gay people are recognized equally under the law as anything other than 1st class citizens just like everyone else, it’s officially not acceptable to make gay jokes related to sex unless you’re a gay person or one of my friends. Sorry.

Daily Dickhead(s): Fox “News” & Father Jonathan “Panties In A Wad” Morris

Of the many problems I have with religion (and people in general), bossiness is towards the top. Worrying about other people’s lives is a convenient way of taking the spotlight away from our own problems – and no one does this better than priests.

Priests are forced into an unrealistic sexless and loveless life which, as we’ve seen in the past few years, can lead to compulsive sexual and violent behavior – not exactly ‘godlike’ if you ask me. The trade-off for becoming a priest is a supposed lifelong relationship with an invisible man who uses the priest as a conduit to give guidance to worshippers of him.

Why is it that we seek guidance in life from people who aren’t really living one themselves? It’s one of the most bizarre phenomenons out there and one that I’ve always had a negative opinion of – and fascination with. Perhaps my negativity towards religion wouldn’t exist if all priests did the job they’re ‘supposed’ to do by reminding us about the good in everyone. However, instead we have opinionated ‘commercial’ priests, such as Fox ‘News’ contributor Jonathan Morris, bouncing around TV shows and preaching about religion the same way Dr. Phil preaches advice.

Since its inception in 1996, Fox News has done a frighteningly brilliant job making money by exposing the sheer stupidity of the American public. The other day I heard a tea partier say on the network that she wanted to ‘abolish the Department Of Education.’ Why? Because she heard on Fox News that securing our borders was more important. While you ponder the randomness of that logic, consider the fact that this woman has been made to believe that what she’s saying is both intelligent and logical. Bascially, Fox News has hijacked Jesus and spends 24 hours a day speaking from his mouth, as far as their viewers are concerned -therefore making anything they say as good as the gospel itself.

Last week, Fox decided to create even more false urgency over something patently absurd by devoting an entire day’s worth of segments on various news shows towards whether or not President Obama should be criticized for omitting the word ‘god’ from his Thanksgiving Day message to the nation. (Mind you, he *did* mention god in the written message.)

Naturally, Fox’s resident expert on all things godly, Jonathan Morris, was so pissed that you could almost see the horns growing out of his head.

He said: “This is from President Obama in that same address we began with. He says that ‘like much of America’ he’s going to spend his Thanksgiving Day ‘eating lots of good food, watching some football, AND..reFLECTING…..ONNNN…how LUCKY we are. Taking time to reflect on how lucky we are while you’re addressing the nation? It’s taking time to reflect on the wonderful blessings that god has given to us.”

Is it? Because, as Jon Stewart pointed out a couple of nights ago on The Daily Show,‘Thanksgiving was a bunch of Pagans teaching religious zealots how to farm.’

Nuff said. Amen.


Daily Dickhead(s): Victoria Jackson; Politichiks

Oh, man..where do I even begin with this one?

Former SNL cast member, Victoria “Miss Jackson Cuz She’s Nasty” Jackson, recently started her own YouTube channel, entitled The Patriot Update, where she waxes not-so-poetically about everything she’s an expert on: Islam, Marxism, President Obama’s birthplace, gay people, bibles, etc – all while sounding like Lucille Ball selling Vitameatavegamin (if Lucille Ball happened to speak like a drunk baby) and looking like Raggedy Ann’s fat aunt after being let out of a dryer she’d been locked in for 72 hours straight.

A few weeks ago, a conservative version of The View, called Politichiks, debuted on The Patriot Update; featuring Jackson, some jumprope-sized neck jewelry and 3 other ill-informed airheads, including pro-life speaker and activist Jennique Stewart, editor and activist Jennie Jones and Ann-Marie Murrell, columnist and host of The Patriot Update video show. (Btw, nice incestuous resumes, ladies..)

The show started out with a song from Jackson about ‘The Islamization of America’ as she put it; featuring the following lyrics:

They like beheadings and pedophile weddings

And then they pray five times a day

They like to kill anyone who will not say the things they want you to say

Sharia Law, Sharia Law..what more can be said?

If you say ‘go away’ they put a fatwa on your head.


After Jackson’s charming jingle had come to an end, the four women then decided to awkwardly banter with one another, spouting endless Paris Hilton-worthy pearls of profundity, such as these:

“I don’t get why liberals are pro-Muslim and pro-gay because Muslims kill gays.”


“They’re (students) given special foot-washing baths on the University Of Michigan campus, but we can’t have our Christmas trees?”


But the ladies saved the best parts for last while speaking about gay marriage; whining that, while they may disagree with liberals about gay marriage, this is really a freedom of speech issue and that ‘straights outnumber gays 8-2’…or something.

Since I don’t even know where to begin, I’m just going to….um…..end – and let you watch the rest for yourself.

Daily Dickhead: Mike “I Get Sexually Harassed At Popeye’s” Huckabee

In the past couple of years, few people have said more outlandish things to get attention than Mike Fuckabee. From his incessant gay marriage/polygamy comparisons, to the racist lies he spewed about President Obama’s childhood, Mike Fuckabee is one of those people who I just wish would keel over and die. Yes, I just wished death upon another person and, no, I don’t feel bad about it.

Everytime Fuckabee appears in the news, chances are he’s planning to offend someone – and this week he’s decided to make light of the entire act of sexual harassment by accusing women of basically overreacting. On his Fox ‘News’ show last Saturday, Fuckabee took the time to address the sexual harassment allegations against Herman Cain by making an incredibly tasteless comparison between the women victimized by Herman Cain, and what happens everytime he walks into Popeye’s to get food. (So basically every other hour..)

He says: “I realized that I, myself, have been a victim of sexual harassment and I didn’t even know it. The ladies behind the counter call me ‘Honey,’ ‘Sweetie,’ and ‘Darlin’.’ …Maybe instead of feeling at home, I should have been offended, called a lawyer, and demanded free spicy chicken for life. I’m not making light of real sexual harassment – we obviously have real issues in this country – like raging unemployment, foreclosures for many homeowners, small business operators going belly up and a national debt that’s destroying our future. Surely those issues matter a whole lot more than a southern man calling an employee, ‘Sweetie’ 15 years ago.”

Oh! I get it! There’s real sexual harassment and fake sexual harassment. Fake sexual harassment happens because women want attention and love to lie about being touched inappropriately, and real sexual harassment doesn’t matter because people are out of work and going through foreclosures. Gotcha.

As for the hilarious Popeye’s comparison,  considering his body is shaped like the reflection in a carnival mirror, you’ve got to wonder if Fuckabee really thinks he can make anyone believe that he doesn’t ‘demand free spicy chicken’ everywhere he goes.

The trend of de-legitimization and belittling of women in this country is becoming more and more blatant by the day. But, with Fuckabee,  it’s all under the guise of being a ‘man of faith’..so it’s all good, right?!

God I hate him so much.

Watch the video below.


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