My Mother’s Phone Problem

I love how my mother thinks that if she yells louder into the phone, it means I can hear her better when her cell phone service gets spotty.

MOTHER: ANDREW! ANDREW! DO YOU NEED ANYTHING AT THE GROCERY STORE! WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I’M AT THE GROCERY STORE AND I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING? AT THE GROCERY STORE, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU NEED? SHOULD I PICK YOU UP ANYTHING AT THE GROCERY STORE? WHAT? WHAT? G-R-O-C-E-R-Y S-T-O-R-E!

ME: No thanks. No. No, I don’t. No. I’m fine, thanks. Nope. WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SPEAKING TO ME LIKE I’M A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT?

I arrived at my grandmother’s house and this lovely conversation happened..

GM (bitchy voice): Do you EVER wear underwear?

ME: Uh, come again?

GM: You’re always flopping around and it looks trashy.

ME: Are you wearing a bra?

GM: Why would I need to wear a bra around the house?

ME: Because you’re always flopping around and it looks trashy.

GM: Bitch.

ME: Witch.

Unless they’re literally injected with Botox..

..I refuse to pay $6.99 for a pint of blueberries because they’ll make me “look younger.”

Nice try, Whole Foods.

My Mother, The Comedienne

ME: Hey, Ma.

MOTHER: Hi, Honey. Everything ok?

ME: Yea, I’m bored.

MOTHER: What are you doing?

ME (laughing): Sexting with some slut.

MOTHER: You’re texting yourself?

ME (not laughing): Oh.

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