I love how my mother thinks that if she yells louder into the phone, it means I can hear her better when her cell phone service gets spotty.
MOTHER: ANDREW! ANDREW! DO YOU NEED ANYTHING AT THE GROCERY STORE! WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I’M AT THE GROCERY STORE AND I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING? AT THE GROCERY STORE, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU NEED? SHOULD I PICK YOU UP ANYTHING AT THE GROCERY STORE? WHAT? WHAT? G-R-O-C-E-R-Y S-T-O-R-E!
ME: No thanks. No. No, I don’t. No. I’m fine, thanks. Nope. WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SPEAKING TO ME LIKE I’M A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT?
GM (bitchy voice): Do you EVER wear underwear?
ME: Uh, come again?
GM: You’re always flopping around and it looks trashy.
ME: Are you wearing a bra?
GM: Why would I need to wear a bra around the house?
ME: Because you’re always flopping around and it looks trashy.
..I refuse to pay $6.99 for a pint of blueberries because they’ll make me “look younger.”
Nice try, Whole Foods.
ME: Hey, Ma.
MOTHER: Hi, Honey. Everything ok?
ME: Yea, I’m bored.
MOTHER: What are you doing?
ME (laughing): Sexting with some slut.
MOTHER: You’re texting yourself?
ME (not laughing): Oh.