ME: Hey, Ma.
MOTHER: Hi, Honey. Everything ok?
ME: Yea, I’m bored.
MOTHER: What are you doing?
ME (laughing): Sexting with some slut.
MOTHER: You’re texting yourself?
ME (not laughing): Oh.
Just to recap: Including today, I’ve been told I resemble..
..the following by my grandmother in the past few months: Ellen “Generous,” kd Lang, a tennis ball, a cotton ball, a Q-tip, and now…
GRANDMOTHER (walking up the stairs): I think I’ve figured out who you look like with your hair like that.
ME: Yay. My favorite game. Ugh. When do I get to tell you who you look like?
GM: You’re like that woman who sings outside with Germans in that movie that I love.
ME: Oh, fun! Another game of Jeopardy. Is it possible for you to speak in anything other than a riddle. Like, oh I dunno, ENGLISH?
GM: You know what I mean. That movie in the 60s.
ME: Well, at least we have a decade. Alex, I’ll take 1960s German musicals for $2000.
GM (yelling at my mother): BARBARA! WHAT’S THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE WITH THE LADY WHO SINGS WITH GERMANS OUTSIDE?
MOTHER (yelling back): THE SOUND OF MUSIC!
ME: Oh my god. You think I look like Julie Andrews?
GM: Yes, that’s her! Just the hair, though.
ME: Oh, what a relief; I don’t have the same tits as Julie fucking Andrews. Side note: The movie takes place in Austria.
GM: Must you always be so crass? And, no, it doesn’t – there are Nazis in the movie and it takes place in Germany.
ME: Right, because there were no Nazis in Austria. Ugh. Isn’t Halloween around the corner? Shouldn’t you be boiling some cats or something?
GM: Well, I meant it as a compliment.
ME: Gee, thanks. Nothing builds confidence more than being a man who looks like Julie Andrews. I feel so sexy.
Every commercial during baseball games..
..reads as a timeline for a straight man’s life: Fast food, beer, money, boner pills, catheters.
My Grandmother Thinks Al Gore Died
ME: Hi, Grandma.
GM: Why did nobody tell me Al Gore died?
ME: Huh?
GM: Al Gore died over the summer and nobody had the decency to tell me.
ME: You’re a republican.
GM: Well I still feel as though someone should’ve told me.
ME: But he didn’t die.
GM: I was watching a biography on his life earlier. I had no idea he wrote Ben Hur, did you?
ME: What the hell are you talking about?
GM: He was a homosexual.
ME: Why do you speak in code? I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.
GM: He really was a great writer.
ME: OH, wait. Are you trying to talk about Gore VIDAL? Al Gore didn’t write Ben Hur – Gore Vidal did, you boob. Did someone spike your sippy cup this morning?
GM: Very funny. Wasn’t he married to that woman Trapper at some point? She wasn’t mentioned in the biography. How could he be a homosexual?
ME: OH MY GOD – He’s NOT. Al Gore is NOT gay and didn’t write Ben Hur. His ex-wife’s name is Tipper and he was our Vice President while you were apparently on drugs. You are forbidden to call me anytime before happy hour for the rest of my life.
