Daily Dickhead: Patrick “Gay Sex Causes Diaper Wearing” Wooden

As gay people in the US slowly begin to gain the rights they deserve, the heterosexual obsession with the homosexual lifestyle has reached fever pitch in the last few years. As is the case with most issues of human rights, the conversation against gay rights continues to be dictated by heterosexual men, who frankly find the idea of sex between two men to be repulsive. And my question continues to be WHY DO THEY CARE?!

As many of you know, I’ve highlighted many absurd arguments made by various people against the gay lifestyle. However, out of all of the arguments that I’ve heard, I don’t think I can honestly say that I’ve heard anyone use the having-anal-sex-leads-to-a-lifetime-of-wearing-diapers-and-buttplugs-stance.

Yes, a North Carolina pastor, by the name of Patrick Wooden, was a guest on Peter LaBarbera and Matt Barber’s Christian verbal orgy and got EXTREMELY graphic about the dangers of anal sex.

He said: “The God of the Bible made the human sperm, the God of the Bible designed it and it was not designed to be emptied into an area that is filled with feces, there is nothing for it to germinate with, it will most certainly mean the extinction of the human race. My belief is that if the medical community would just step forward and just would share with the American people what happens to the male anus, the problems that homosexuals have with their rectums, the damage that is done, the operations that are needed to sew up their bodies if you will, and how many of the men don’t even give these stitches time to heal before they are back out there practicing that wicked behavior. Some are bleeders, men who are not turned off by ingesting the feces of other men… If the truth was told, people would literally gag and no one would want to be in a lifestyle like that. Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a butt plug just to be able to contain their bowels?”

Fascinating. I mean who knew that in between visits to Tim Tebow in Denver, god spends his time designing anally-incompatible sperm?

Here’s the deal, peeps: I hinted earlier this week that I just may have had sex once or twice in my life. This may shock you, but I’ve also had a fair amount of butt sex, too – both ways. And guess what? I haven’t worn a diaper since I was a baby and I’ve never used a butt plug. Yes, folks, my asshole is fine – thanks for asking.

Side note: The male g-spot is located…..drumroll, please….in the ass! Believe it.

Listen to the absurdity below.

Daily Dickhead: Amber “Virgins Get Good Grades And Make $400K” Haskew

Of the many things that I’m not, a virgin is one of them – I know, I know..you’re shocked. But you see, back when I was a teenager, we didn’t have anyone telling us that we would be rewarded with $370,000 simply for keeping our dick in our pants until marriage.

Yes, the good virginal folks over at The Liberty Council have decided to rename Valentine’s Day the ‘Day Of Purity’ while encouraging students to “make a public demonstration of their commitment to remain sexually pure, in mind and actions.” Sounds positively non-orgasmic, doesn’t it?

According to the event coordinator, Amber Haskew, it’s imperative to have surgery to sew your vagina closed to resemble your favorite Barbie doll. Just kidding – she didn’t say that, but she did make an odd game show-like promise that if you save your nether regions for marriage, you………….could……..make…….four…hundred…THOUSAND…dollars!

She says: “Teens who abstain are likely to have greater future orientation, greater impulse control, greater perseverance, greater resistance to peer pressure, and more respect for parental and societal values. These traits are likely to contribute to higher academic achievement. In short, teen virgins are more likely to possess character traits that lead to success in life. Moreover, the practice of abstinence is likely to foster positive character traits that, in turn, will contribute to academic performance … In our society, greater educational attainment leads, on average, to higher lifetime incomes. Because they are more successful in school, teen virgins can expect to have, on average, incomes that will be 16 percent higher than sexually active teens from identical socio-economic backgrounds. This will mean an average increase of $370,000 in income over a lifetime.”

See, peeps! To get good grades in school and make lots of money, all it takes is to not be sexual during the most sexually charged point in your lives!

Look, I’m not advocating being a hobag; but honestly there are worse things you can do with your time than masturbate and get a little nookie from your boyfriend or girlfriend. By all means, have values; but I’m so sick of religious groups tempting people to be pure with messages that are equal parts fear and reward based. Let people live their OWN lives and STOP the preaching!

Watch the video below.

Daily Dickhead(s): Mike and Cindy “I Reverse Hysterectomies” Jacobs

We all know that America’s favorite Gay Demon Exorcist, Cindy Jacobs, has the answer to all of life’s mysteries thanks to her special inside track with god. God’s helped her to thwart attempted government coups in Africa and he’s helped Cindy realize that the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was responsible for massive amounts animal suicides around the world, last spring. Well recently, Cindy added to her supernatural resume when she told viewers of her show with husband (wink, wink) Mike, God Knows, that she recently reversed a hysterectomy. Amazing. Is there anything this woman can’t do?!

Personally, I’ve become very aware of hysterectomies in the past year. Why? Well, when you google Fred Hystere (or simply Hystere), you’re presented with the choice of all things related to hysterectomies. From now on, just call me Fred Hysterectomy.

Anyway..moving along.

Watch below as Cindy’s ‘husband’ gets so excited speaking about his “wife’s” hysterectomy-reversing abilities, that you’ll swear he’s giving a handjob under the table while secretly wishing he were wearing Cindy’s GORGEOUS maroon tinfoil blouse.

 

Daily Dickhead: Kasey “Ew Boobies Are Gross” Kahne

Of the many phobias I will never be able to fully grasp, the fear of tits in this country has got to be in my top 3. Perhaps it’s because I grew up in a European family and both of my parents walked around naked at varying points throughout my childhood. Or maybe it’s because while growing up I used to spend every summer in France, a country where a naked tit is about as common as a naked tat on St. Marks place in the East Village (of New York City).

Tittie taboo is bizarre – plain and simple. And, while I’m aware that the sexualization of tits is the main culprit here, I can’t help but think it’s really yet another example of an attempt to put women in a place of submission in society.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about supermarket chain, Wegman’s, and their decision to relegate Cosmomopolitan Magazine to the smut section and censor their cover featuring Adele because she was showing too much cleavage. Apparently, now we’re not just scared of tits, we’re scared of the idea of tits.

Enter presumed heterosexual/brain deficient NASCAR posterboy, Kasey Kahne, who last week did his best ew-women-are-gross impression when he tweeted his discomfort over a woman breastfeeding her child in the grocery store. OH NO!

He tweeted: “Just walked through supermarket. See a mom breastfeeding little kid. Took second look because I was obviously seeing things. I wasn’t! One boob put away and one boob hanging!!! #Nasty. I don’t feel like shopping anymore or eating.” 

He then responded to a woman who disagreed with him by saying: “and your a dumb bitch.”

It’s good to know that the grammar of NASCAR’s drivers is consistent with the majority of NASCAR’s fans. Just sayin.

Seriously, though, will men ever realize that the existence of breasts has NOTHING to do with their boners? I realize we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel when we begin to question the thought process of anyone NASCAR-related, but cmon. This mother is trying to feed her baby and you bring it back to you? Take your head out of the exhaust pipe and have some manners and some respect for women – (unfortunately for us) one birthed you, remember?

Jackass.

Watch the video below.

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