John Hagee has made his daily list of all things evil; including witchcraft, Harry Potter and the obvious choice, Heather Has Two Mommies.
Yes, not only does John Hagee enjoy having his picture taken while fellating a microphone, but he *also* likes to spike his morning coffee with bat shit and mainline it straight into his asshole (otherwise known as the place from which he speaks).
Now, I’ll bet that some of you are wondering “Who the fuck is John Hagee?” WELLLLLL..let me enlighten you!
Hagee is a senior pastor at Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, which describes itself as a ‘non-denominational charismatic megachurch with more than 19,000 active members.’
Sounds like a party, right? Seriously, though, is there really anyone alive who doesn’t enjoy spending their Sundays in a ‘megachurch’ packed with 19,000 charismatic religious San Antonio residents?!
Oh, sorry..back to Hagee.
He believes in ‘absolute authority of the scripture’, but apparently doesn’t believe in logic, as he famously blamed Hurricane Katrina on….drumroll, please….Gays! Who else, right?!
Today, Hagee lands in The Dickhead Zone for comments he made during a ‘special’ telecast entitled Cry Me A River..I mean..*Faith Under Fire*.
During the telecast, Hagee stated that ‘secular humanism’ is responsible for rape, spousal abuse, drugs, divorce and crime; while America’s youth are being corrupted by Harry Potter, Heather Has Two Mommies and abortion. (No word yet on how many ‘rape victims’ or members of ’America’s youth’ he interviewed in order to come to these conclusions, but I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything.)
He says: “Secular humanism is a pagan god and America is bowing at the shrine. It has filled our drug rehab centers, it has filled the divorce courts, it has filled the shelter for battered wives, it has filled the rape crisis centers, it has filled the mental hospitals and single bars, it has filled the penitentiaries and the roster guests for the brain-dead television shows you see from New York. Think about that, we’re in a moral free fall where your children can be taught witchcraft by Harry Potter; that Heather has two mommies; you can substitute Christmas for a midwinter holiday, call it anything you want to but don’t call it Christmas, kick God out of the Christmas event; you can let your daughter go to school and she can get an abortion without your permission or without your knowledge but she cannot get an aspirin without your knowledge. Something is dreadfully wrong when you as the parent cannot control the destiny of your own child. America has turned its back from the God of the Bible and it is time for the church of Jesus Christ to stand up and speak up and say we have a right to the destiny of our own children!”
Hmmm..how to respond..how to respond.. Oh! I know! How about a letter?!
Dear John Hagee:
Please read my comments below. Oh and, if it’s not too much trouble, could you maybe answer a few questions for me too?
- If Christmas is indeed being hijacked, can somebody please ask the hijackers to start hijacking a little earlier this year considering it’s September and CVS is already selling FUCKING CHRISTMAS CANDY?!
- PS: How ‘non-denominational’ of you to be concerned only about Christmas! Thanks for being so open-minded. :-)
- Props for making “New York” sound like some sort of massive boardroom where Satan cooks up plots to stymie the rest of the world on their way towards ultimate purification.
- Who knew that Harry Potter is really a fictional children’s book cleverly disguised as Witchcraft For Dummys? Thanks for letting us know!
- Exactly which schools are performing abortions? I’ve got to make sure to let all of my friends-who-frequently-get-knocked-up know where they can abort in-between classes.
- Oh and..umm..exactly which schools require a permission slip for taking an aspirin? Just curious.
- Lastly, what happens if your abortion is painful and you end up needing some aspirin? Do they wave the permission slip?
Isn’t this is fun?! Hey, I have an idea! Let’s play a game of ‘What Doesn’t Belong?’
Here are your choices:
- Religious Nutbags
- John Hagee
Conclusion: When logic doesn’t belong, all bets are off and…you…are…CRAZY!