John Hagee thinks Harry Potter teaches witchcraft to children..no, seriously.

John Hagee has made his daily list of all things evil; including witchcraft, Harry Potter and the obvious choice, Heather Has Two Mommies.

Yes, not only does John Hagee enjoy having his picture taken while fellating a microphone, but he *also* likes to spike his morning coffee with bat shit and mainline it straight into his asshole (otherwise known as the place from which he speaks).

Now, I’ll bet that some of you are wondering “Who the fuck is John Hagee?”  WELLLLLL..let me enlighten you!

Hagee is a senior pastor at Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, which describes itself as a ‘non-denominational charismatic megachurch with more than 19,000 active members.’

Sounds like a party, right? Seriously, though, is there really anyone alive who doesn’t enjoy spending their Sundays in a ‘megachurch’ packed with 19,000 charismatic religious San Antonio residents?!

Oh, sorry..back to Hagee.

He believes in ‘absolute authority of the scripture’, but apparently doesn’t believe in logic, as he famously blamed Hurricane Katrina on….drumroll, please….Gays! Who else, right?!

Today, Hagee lands in The Dickhead Zone for comments he made during a ‘special’ telecast entitled Cry Me A River..I mean..*Faith Under Fire*.

During the telecast, Hagee stated that ‘secular humanism’ is responsible for rape, spousal abuse, drugs, divorce and crime; while America’s youth are being corrupted by Harry Potter, Heather Has Two Mommies and abortion. (No word yet on how many ‘rape victims’ or members of  ’America’s youth’ he interviewed in order to come to these conclusions, but I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything.)

He says: “Secular humanism is a pagan god and America is bowing at the shrine. It has filled our drug rehab centers, it has filled the divorce courts, it has filled the shelter for battered wives, it has filled the rape crisis centers, it has filled the mental hospitals and single bars, it has filled the penitentiaries and the roster guests for the brain-dead television shows you see from New York. Think about that, we’re in a moral free fall where your children can be taught witchcraft by Harry Potter; that Heather has two mommies; you can substitute Christmas for a midwinter holiday, call it anything you want to but don’t call it Christmas, kick God out of the Christmas event; you can let your daughter go to school and she can get an abortion without your permission or without your knowledge but she cannot get an aspirin without your knowledge. Something is dreadfully wrong when you as the parent cannot control the destiny of your own child. America has turned its back from the God of the Bible and it is time for the church of Jesus Christ to stand up and speak up and say we have a right to the destiny of our own children!”

Hmmm..how to respond..how to respond.. Oh! I know! How about a letter?!

Dear John Hagee:

Please read my comments below. Oh and, if it’s not too much trouble, could you maybe answer a few questions for me too? 

  1. If Christmas is indeed being hijacked, can somebody please ask the hijackers to start hijacking a little earlier this year considering it’s September and CVS is already selling FUCKING CHRISTMAS CANDY?!
  2. PS: How ‘non-denominational’ of you to be concerned only about Christmas! Thanks for being so open-minded. :-)
  3. Props for making “New York” sound like some sort of massive boardroom where Satan cooks up plots to stymie the rest of the world on their way towards ultimate purification.
  4. Who knew that Harry Potter is really a  fictional children’s book cleverly disguised as Witchcraft For Dummys? Thanks for letting us know!
  5. Exactly which schools are performing abortions? I’ve got to make sure to let all of my friends-who-frequently-get-knocked-up know where they can abort in-between classes.
  6. Oh and..umm..exactly which schools require a permission slip for taking an aspirin? Just curious.
  7. Lastly, what happens if your abortion is painful and you end up needing some aspirin? Do they wave the permission slip?

Thanks, Doll!

Love,

Fred

Isn’t this is fun?!  Hey, I have an idea! Let’s play a game of ‘What Doesn’t Belong?’

Here are your choices:

  • Morons
  • Dickheads
  • Religious Nutbags
  • Logic
  • John Hagee

Conclusion: When logic doesn’t belong, all bets are off and…you…are…CRAZY!

 

Daily Dickhead(s): Personhood Mississippi

Today’s Daily Dickhead honors are shared by every employee of an organization known as Personhood Mississippi; who single handedly make me want to vomit simply by placing the word ‘personhood’ with that of, the mental midget capital of the US, ‘Mississippi.’

Thanks to Personhood Mississippi, the state will be voting in the 2011 general election on whether or not abortion should be criminalized in their state; by including the following question on their ballot:

“Should the term ‘person’ be defined to include every human being from the moment of fertilization, cloning, or the equivalent thereof?”

(Is it me or can you imagine some one-toothed hillbilly asking people at the voting station “Ummm, exx-cuuuuuze mayyy…ummm, what does ‘thayyy-errrr uhhhvvvv’ mean?’)

And for those of you wondering how this question would impact victims of rape and sexual abuse, fear not! Personhood Mississippi has your back! Last week, they held a week long workshop entitled the “Conceived In Rape Lecture Series” and, aside from having a name which brings to mind the absolute LAST subject I’d ever want to hear a lecture about, was led by Personhood Mississippi spokesperson Rebecca Kiessling, who told her story of being conceived during rape and put up for adoption. She located her birth mother who told her that, if abortion had been legal at the time, she would’ve aborted Rebecca instead of putting her up for adoption.

Rachel Maddow caught wind of Personhood Mississippi’s pleasantly named tour and criticized them heavily, saying that the organization is ‘forcing women who are victims in rape to bear the rapist’s child’. To which Kiessling replied:

“I am not the rapist’s child! He doesn’t even know of my existence, as in most rape cases. And what an insult to the majority of rape victims who not only choose life for their child, but choose to raise their child. After everything they’ve been through, Maddow has the audacity to refer to the rape victim’s child as being ‘the rapist’s child’?! She does not speak for the majority of rape victims who express that their child has brought them healing, helping them to overcome the rape. The ones who abort are four times more likely to die within the next year. If you truly have compassion for a rape victim, you’d want to protect her from the abortion and not the baby! A baby is not the worst thing that could ever happen to a rape victim — an abortion is.”

Look, this is a really really touchy subject. But, as a survivor of rape and sexual abuse, I feel as though I can speak on the matter a little by simply saying that ALL people should have the choice to do what they want to with their own bodies. This is not a religious issue, nor should it be the issue of ANY other human being OTHER than the victims, themselves. PERIOD.

My stance is firm that whether we’re talking about gay rights or abortion rights or any other kind of rights that have to do with what OTHER people do with THEIR OWN LIVES, the law should butt-out and let people do whatever makes them comfortable. Ugh. I fucking HATE this issue and I’m so sick of people turning it into anything other than an issue between a woman and HER body.

Why anyone would WANT to live in Mississippi is beyond me, but regardless, everybody should be free to choose to do anything with their own bodies and lives that they wish to (as long as it’s not harming anyone else).

Watch Maddow’s story below.

 

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Daily Dickhead: Pete “Rape Planner Extraordinaire” DeGraaf (R-KS)

Right now in this country we are in the midst of some of the most anti-women, anti-gay and racially-charged times that this country has ever known. And, in one of the weirdest examples of women being treated as 2nd class citizens, pro-lifer Pete DeGraaf (R-KS) has argued that women should plan ahead for rape. Let me say that again: Kansas Republican State Representative, Pete DeGraaf, believes that women should PLAN AHEAD FOR RAPE. Um..

I’ve written pretty extensively about my absolute disgust towards the pro-life/anti-women movement that has really been heating up in the last couple of years around the country. Countless assholes have lined up to take center stage in an attempt to one-up each other with blatantly LUNATIC comments about the reproductive rights of women. And, while there have been plenty of women and a few democrats having their anti-female moment in the sun, the vast majority of absurd comments have come from white Republican men.

Kansas has never exactly been a hotbed for intelligent comments (see Virgil Peck), but this week Pete DeGraaf has potentially taken it to a new low.

When perennial fucktard, Sam Brownback (R-KS), took office as Governor last year, he called on the state to create a ‘culture of life’ (which is made all the more scary by the mere thought that Kansans might actually be multiplying). Anyway, sadly, Brownback got his wish as his Republican majority in the House passed a law to ban insurance companies from offering abortion coverage in their general health plans, except when a woman’s life is at risk.”

Last week, a debate ensued about pregnancy-as-a-result-of-rape, between fellow Republican Barbara Bollier (R-KS) and DeGraaf…..aaaaaand went a little something like this:

DEGRAAF: “We do need to plan ahead, in life, don’t we?”

BOLLIER: “So women need to plan ahead for issues that they have no control over with a pregnancy?”

DEGRAAF: “I have a spare tire on my car…I also have life insurance…I have a lot of things that I plan ahead for.”

My guess is the only ‘spare tire’ DeGraaf has is in the form of fat around his midsection and you know you have to be a pretty giant asshole to be able to make Sam Brownback practically look like Gloria Steinem. I mean, for fuck’s sake, what the HELL is going on?! Can the middle of the country just secede already? Talk about a societal, ethical and civil regression..why are women’s rights being dialed back..in 2011?!?!?! Scary stuff.

 

Daily Dickhead: Jarrod Martin (R-OH) (VIDEO)

After having what was quite possibly the most stressful day I’ve had in years yesterday, I really needed to find a lighthearted story to write about for today’s Daily Dickhead post. So I went looking through the Google Alerts I have set up for some of my favorite villagers occupying Crazytown USA; you know like Bachmann, Huckabee, etc. While there are plenty of comically inane stories one can attribute to those two, the Queen Of Fucktards of late seems to be Jane “I’m Really Not A Lesbo..I Swear” Porter.

You may remember that Porter is responsible for Ohio’s “Heartbeat Bill” for which she…ummm..recruited (?) a couple of fetuses to testify before a court in opposition to abortion. Well Porter has been rounding up fetuses left and right and holding rallies across the state of Ohio to drum up support for her cause. (No word on whether the fetuses show up on their own or whether they’re escorted by their parents to the event, but I’ll be sure to keep you posted)

At a recent event in Columbus, AN ELECTED OFFICIAL/firecrotch named Jarrod Firebush Martin came up with quite possibly the most brilliant rationale for passing the Heartbeat Bill: Drumroll, please…………………..

It will help the US compete with China!

Yes, because I’m sure that the FIRST thing that a woman who’s been impregnated by rape thinks to herself while weighing the pros and cons about whether or not to have an abortion is “having this baby will be one giant step towards the US competing with China for the title of #1 economic power……so I think I’ll do it!”

He says: “When you look at China and you look at their population, the population growth that China has and other Third World countries have compared to the population growth of the United States; China right now how more children in AP and gifted classes than the United States has in school. Think about that, they have more children in their gifted classes than we have in our entire school system. And we are killing thousands and tens of thousands of babies every year. How do we compete? We have to think about our future. That’s a little bit of economics behind this bill.

OMG! He’s SO RIGHT! China DOES have more children in AP and gifted classes than we have in school and I’m sure that the fact that China’s population is more than 4 times that of the US has nothing to do with that, right? Aaaaaaaand I’m also positive that if abortion were outlawed here in the US, babies would go straight from the womb and into their AP English classes, with defeating China on their minds, and never look back! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

So, ladies, the next time you consider having an abortion, remember that the power to unseat China as the #1 economic superpower in the world lies within your own va-China. ie: Have those mothafuckin babies! Got it?

 

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