Again, I was kind of hoping to write about something I could inject a little satire into today. However, I’m going to have to leave the funnier posts for later in the week because there is simply no ignoring the offensive comments coming out of the mouth of RepubliRobot, Mitt Romney, of late.

As I’m sure you can probably imagine, I’ve been completely fascinated by the embarrassing shit show that is the Republican presidential race. Some nights, I literally sit back with a glass of wine (or bottle depending on how much air time Rick Santorum gets) and watch with almost masturbatory glee as these Republiclowns tear each other apart and then implode before our very eyes.

The latest to implode? Willard “Mitt” Romney.

Romney has so little personality that he makes Ben Stein look like Lady Gaga – that’s no secret. However, what has been a secret (to some extent) is just how poor Romney is at thinking on his feet. Beginning with the laughably awful interview he gave to Brett Baier a couple of months ago, Romney seems to just totally lose the plot anytime a camera’s on him – kind of a problem if you’re running to be President of the United States Of America, dontcha think?

This past weekend, Romney inexplicably decided to attack former US Ambassador To China (and last place Republican presidential candidate), Jon Huntsman, for..umm..being the US Ambassador to China. He criticized Huntsman for serving in the Obama administration while Romney ‘was trying to get Republicans elected back home.’

At the Meet The Press debate on Sunday, Huntsman thankfully came out SHARPLY against Romney by saying (among other things) that he will always put country first over politics – and rightfully so! He went on to ask what kind of example it would’ve shown his two boys currently serving in the navy if he had declined to serve his country because of politics.

I’m a big fan of Huntsman’s – even though he’s a Repub. I disagree with him about abortion and gay marriage, but he’s (dare I say it) a sensible Republican with a long track record of economic success as Governor of Utah. It’s nice to see him finally getting his moment in the sun up in New Hampshire.

Watch below as Romney comes off sounding like a total schmuck by doubling down on his attack on Huntsman.

I was really hoping to find a more light-hearted story to write about for today’s Daily Dickhead, mostly because I miss adding a little satire into my writing. However, I simply cannot ignore the fecal matter being spewed from the mouth of Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

If you’re a political junkie like me, you’re probably already aware that the Iowa caucus is on the minds of every 24 hour news station 24 hours a day. In which case, you’re probably also aware that former Senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum, is surging in the polls and quite possibly may end up winning the Iowan Republican caucus later today.

It’d take wayyyyyyyyy too long for me to go down the list of appalling things Santorum has said over the years. Plus, why spend time looking for old soundbites when, in the past few days, Santorum has been nothing but a walking soundbite waiting to happen. However, even for Santorum, he was in rare form yesterday when he not only promised to invalidate all gay marriages should he become President, but he also managed to throw down another racist comment to go with one from early 2011.

Quite a busy 24 hours of hate, dontcha think?

In response to a question from Chuck Todd about what would happen to existing marriages if he signed a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages, Santorum said: “Well, their marriage would be invalid. I think if the constitution says ‘marriage is this,’ then people whose marriage is not consistent with the constitution… I’d love to think there’s another way of doing it.”

In the clip below he keeps talking about marriage being a ‘special’ relationship. And I just don’t get why people think it’s OK to give special privileges to one group of people over another. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but what on earth is the point of denying people happiness? At the end of the day, does it make these Republicans happy that they’re preventing a specific group of people from having a chance at a loving life with one another?

Next, Santorum decided to make a very off color, blatantly racist comment about black people and government assistance.

He said: “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money and provide for themselves and their families.”

*Interesting side note: The amount of white people on government assistance FAR outnumbers the amount of black people.

And now a little history..

While speaking about President Obama’s views on abortion earlier last year, he said: “I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, ‘No, we are gonna decide who are people and who are not people.’

Cute.

Watch all 3 videos below.

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Some of you may remember Rick Joyner as the man who thankfully warned us about a MASSIVE earthquake that was set to strike the US on the heels of the MASSIVE earthquake that struck Japan earlier this year. He reminded us that when we prepare for natural disasters, it’s important to remember to have both edible and spiritual food on hand – and to stockpile bibles around the perimeter of our homes.

Well, last month Joyner visited the The Jim Bakker Show to have an on-air moment between himself, Bakker, some lady beautifully styled as Nancy Grace’s turd and…god – who speaks to Joyner via thunder and lightning. The three gathered on a TV set seemingly located inside Santa’s large intestine, to talk about giving money to Bakker’s ministry and why we need to support Israel. As they spoke, it began to thunder – thus signaling god’s approval and validating everything being said.

JOYNER: “Ya know, lightning speaks of revelation – when lightening goes forth it illuminates everything. Thunder speaks of the voice of the lord – and he thundered. And, uh..I love thunder; love lightning – just don’t want it too close.”

(PS: LOVE how Nancy Grace’s troll turd keeps saying ‘Yea…yea..yea..” in the background.)

Next, it was Bakker’s turn to have a moment with god’s thunder.

BAKKER: “Ooooh – that was the biggest thunder yet. God is really pleased and upset. I wanna tell ya – that bolt of thunder hit; you may not have heard it at home. But I wanna tell ya..god’s brokenhearted when America disobeys him. God is grieved when his people..don’t understand what Israel is; what his word says.”

If you only take one thing out of this experience, let it be the important reminder that lightening ‘illuminates everything,’ ok?

Watch the video below.

Saying the names Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump separately, much less in the same sentence, is enough to make vomit begin to churn and bubble inside my stomach. The sight of either one of them is enough to make me never want to see another man naked again. So I’m sure you can imagine why my body went into toxic overload on Monday after seeing them together in NYC verbally masturbating each other over their ideas.

What ideas? Well, it seems as though Newt Gingrich has decided to actually begin telling the truth (that he’s a snob) – even if it’s indirectly – by essentially proposing the most classist, condescending and elitist solution to our nation’s jobless problem: Putting kids to work. Yes, instead of attempting to make it easier for corporations to bring our jobs back from China and India, Newt has decided to take a page out of the non-existent Asian child labor laws by putting poor children to work…as janitors…in bathrooms…at schools which they attend.

He says: “They’d be dramatically less expensive than unionized janitors. And you’d begin to reestablish the dignity of work – and in very poor neighborhoods you have to literally reestablish the dignity of work….I will tell you personally I believe the kids could mop the floor and clean out the bathroom and get paid for it and it would be O.K.”

You know because nothing says social acceptance like cleaning up your friend’s diarrhea in the bathroom while everyone else is playing at recess.

“Where’s Johnny?”

“He’s cleaning up my poop.”

“Ew!”

*Fast forward to the age of 16  and you can pretty much assume Johnny will have zero prom dates.

But, Newt wasn’t about to stop there, as something was clearly missing from his looking-down-on-poor-kids idea: Donald Trump!

Trump says: “He did mention if I could do something for the kids in very very poor schools throughout the city – I thought it was a great idea. We’re gonna be picking 10 young wonderful children and we’re going to make them apprenti!”

What a GREAT idea! Maybe Trump can create a reality show around the concept – some kind of fusion between The Apprentice, Miss Universe and Fear Factor where 10  kids are given a different Miss Universe contestant to personally assist, while they scale Mount Rushmore blindfolded and eat pig’s eyeballs for dinner every night for 3 weeks. After every child has been embarrassingly fired on network television by Donald Trump Jr’s infant son, the last one standing will receive a job working 105 hour weeks as a janitor at a shitty public school in New York City. Genius!

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