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Fred..

had the following text conversation at 7:22am this morning : ‘It’s Rusty. Wanna fuck this afternoon?’ Me: I have two questions for you, Rusty. 1) Have we met? 2) Is your last name Trombone by any chance?

Fred..

had another disturbing sex dream about Paula Deen last night. Ugh. This time she tasted like her apple pie. I guess on the bright side at least she’s ‘in season’ with the apples..

Fred..

just got nervous ordering breakfast from the (not very bright) hot Italian guy at the deli and asked the most bizarre questions as a result: Me: Do you guys have nice sausage here? HIG: Huh? Me: I mean is it shaped like a patty or a link? HIG: Uh, I dunno man..we just have regular sausage. Me: Great, I’ll have an egg and cheese with regular sausage. (WHAT?)

Fred..

thinks the women on the CBS Early Show are a bunch of horny bitches..they devoted an entire segment to what food gets a guy’s dick hard..Newsflash: If you need to serve him watermelon in order to get him erect, then he’s just not that into you.

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