My Japanese iPhone

APPLE CUSTOMER SERVICE: Hi, thank you for calling Apple. My name is Genoa, just like the salami. How may I assist you?

ME (laughing): Hello, Genoa Just Like The Salami. I just updated my iPhone 4 with the new software and everything in my phone is now written in Japanese for some reason. So weird, right?

GENOA: What seems to be the problem?

ME: Well..I don’t speak Japanese and can’t understand anything in my phone.

GENOA: What language would you like your phone to be in?

ME: English.

GENOA: Have you tried updating your phone?

ME: Yes, as I just said, the reason my phone turned Japanese is BECAUSE of the update.

GENOA: Did you change your settings to Japanese?

ME: What? No, I don’t speak Japanese so why would I do that?

GENOA: It’s a simple question, sir. I suggest you restore your phone to its original factory settings.

ME: Ok, that’s what I’ll do, thanks.

GENOA: Before you go, I’d like to congratulate you as you’ve been randomly selected to take part in a 5 minute survey.

ME: Lucky me. Why are you congratulating me? I’m not excited about it.

GENOA: Not everybody gets this opportunity.

ME: Right. Well, Genoa Like The Salami, I’ll  let the next lucky guy have a shot at this wonderful opportunity to spend the next 5 minutes taking your survey. Thank you for your help.

GENOA: I’d really appreciate you taking the time to complete this survey.

ME: You must be related to my mother. Fine, I’ll take the survey.

 

..after I grab a cocktail.

 

My Grandmother Just Called To Ask..

..how to spell Mitt Romney’s name in case she needs to “write it in.” (You know, because that’s still what we do in 2012.)

Anyway, I told her it’s spelled: F-U-C-K Y-O-U.

She didn’t believe me.

A Conversation With My Mother

MOTHER: I’m just going to jump in the shower and then I’ll be right over.

ME: You’re just going to jump in it?

MOTHER: Yes, honey, I’m just going to jump up and down in the shower with no water on.

ME: Well that’s no way to get clean.

MOTHER: Who said anything about getting clean?

ME: No one, I suppose.

MOTHER: Very funny. Well, let me get go take a shower and I”ll be right over.

ME: Sounds heavy. Where are you taking it?

MOTHER: Careful, or I’ll bring Grandma over.

ME: Well played.

(Click)

You know what’s embarrassing?

Sending a cock shot to your aunt.

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