..Depends, a super-sized bottle of laxatives, some yummy Chef Boyardee creation and Tylenol PM. You know, so that if she doesn’t shit her drawers from the Chef Boyardee, she can always pop a few laxatives, put on some diapers, and pass the pass the fuck out. Smart.

ME: Hey, Ma.

MOTHER: Hi, Honey. Everything ok?

ME: Yea, I’m bored.

MOTHER: What are you doing?

ME (laughing): Sexting with some slut.

MOTHER: You’re texting yourself?

ME (not laughing): Oh.

..the following by my grandmother in the past few months: Ellen “Generous,” kd Lang, a tennis ball, a cotton ball, a Q-tip, and now…

GRANDMOTHER (walking up the stairs): I think I’ve figured out who you look like with your hair like that.

ME: Yay. My favorite game. Ugh. When do I get to tell you who you look like?

GM: You’re like that woman who sings outside with Germans in that movie that I love.

ME: Oh, fun! Another game of Jeopardy. Is it possible for you to speak in anything other than a riddle. Like, oh I dunno, ENGLISH?

GM: You know what I mean. That movie in the 60s.

ME: Well, at least we have a decade. Alex, I’ll take 1960s German musicals for $2000.

GM (yelling at my mother): BARBARA! WHAT’S THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE WITH THE LADY WHO SINGS WITH GERMANS OUTSIDE?

MOTHER (yelling back): THE SOUND OF MUSIC!

ME: Oh my god. You think I look like Julie Andrews?

GM: Yes, that’s her! Just the hair, though.

ME: Oh, what a relief; I don’t have the same tits as Julie fucking Andrews. Side note: The movie takes place in Austria.

GM: Must you always be so crass? And, no, it doesn’t – there are Nazis in the movie and it takes place in Germany.

ME: Right, because there were no Nazis in Austria. Ugh. Isn’t Halloween around the corner? Shouldn’t you be boiling some cats or something?

GM: Well, I meant it as a compliment.

ME: Gee, thanks. Nothing builds confidence more than being a man who looks like Julie Andrews. I feel so sexy.

..reads as a timeline for a straight man’s life: Fast food, beer, money, boner pills, catheters.