..Depends, a super-sized bottle of laxatives, some yummy Chef Boyardee creation and Tylenol PM. You know, so that if she doesn’t shit her drawers from the Chef Boyardee, she can always pop a few laxatives, put on some diapers, and pass the pass the fuck out. Smart.
ME: Hey, Ma.
MOTHER: Hi, Honey. Everything ok?
ME: Yea, I’m bored.
MOTHER: What are you doing?
ME (laughing): Sexting with some slut.
MOTHER: You’re texting yourself?
ME (not laughing): Oh.
..the following by my grandmother in the past few months: Ellen “Generous,” kd Lang, a tennis ball, a cotton ball, a Q-tip, and now…
GRANDMOTHER (walking up the stairs): I think I’ve figured out who you look like with your hair like that.
ME: Yay. My favorite game. Ugh. When do I get to tell you who you look like?
GM: You’re like that woman who sings outside with Germans in that movie that I love.
ME: Oh, fun! Another game of Jeopardy. Is it possible for you to speak in anything other than a riddle. Like, oh I dunno, ENGLISH?
GM: You know what I mean. That movie in the 60s.
ME: Well, at least we have a decade. Alex, I’ll take 1960s German musicals for $2000.
GM (yelling at my mother): BARBARA! WHAT’S THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE WITH THE LADY WHO SINGS WITH GERMANS OUTSIDE?
MOTHER (yelling back): THE SOUND OF MUSIC!
ME: Oh my god. You think I look like Julie Andrews?
GM: Yes, that’s her! Just the hair, though.
ME: Oh, what a relief; I don’t have the same tits as Julie fucking Andrews. Side note: The movie takes place in Austria.
GM: Must you always be so crass? And, no, it doesn’t – there are Nazis in the movie and it takes place in Germany.
ME: Right, because there were no Nazis in Austria. Ugh. Isn’t Halloween around the corner? Shouldn’t you be boiling some cats or something?
GM: Well, I meant it as a compliment.
ME: Gee, thanks. Nothing builds confidence more than being a man who looks like Julie Andrews. I feel so sexy.
..reads as a timeline for a straight man’s life: Fast food, beer, money, boner pills, catheters.