just had the following phone coversation with his mother:

MOTHER: Hi honey. Did I catch you at a bad time?

ME: No, I’m just killing time before my next meeting.

MOTHER: Oh ok. So what are you doing?

ME: Blocking ugly people on Grindr.

MOTHER: Oh, dear..you’re not actually telling them they’re ugly, are you?

ME: Not unless they’re persistent.

MOTHER: I’m afraid to ask..what is Grindr?

ME: The only outlet I have to flirt with men since I never go out anymore.

MOTHER: Well I hope you’re using protection..

ME: Yea, don’t worry, I cover my iPhone in latex before sticking it in my asshole. What are you TALKING about?!

Bob Vander Plaats is a businessman from Iowa who ran as the Republican candidate for Governor of the state back in 2010..and lost in the primary, despite the endorsement of mental giant Chuck Norris.

A few months ago, Vander Plaats made headlines for stealing Beyonce’s beaver and making it into a toupee that sits upon his pointy conservative dome. Oh, wait..I mean..

A few months ago, Vander Plaats made headlines for comparing homosexuality to 2^nd hand smoke when he said “If we’re teaching the kids, ‘don’t smoke, because that’s a risky health style,’ the same can be true of the homosexual lifestyle.” (You know, because the homosexual lifestyle is being ‘taught’ to kids..Um.)

And a few months later, he’s making headlines again by publicly stating that he will not support any candidate for the Republican nomination in 2012 who does not sign a pledge which states (among other things) that:

• Homosexuality is a choice..
• Homosexuality is like polygamy, adultery and polyandry..
• Homosexuality is a public health risk..
• Sex is better after marriage..

AND (my favorite)..

• Pornography should be banned.

1^st in line to sign the pledge? Why, Michele Bachmann and her missing clitoris of course!

Dear Mr. Vander Plaats:

Please return Beyonce’s beaver and Michele Bachmann’s clitoris to their rightful owners unharmed and there will be no problems.

Oh, and you are today’s Daily Dickhead.

Forever,

Fred Hystere

thinks that, since her husband has clearly never found it for her, someone needs to give Michele Bachmann a map to find her clitoris. Banning pornography? Seriously? Get a life, get a vibrator and join the rest of the world.

just received a call from someone listed in his phone as “Big Dick” and isn’t sure whether it’s someone he hates or someone he’s slept with. Wonderful.