Daily Dickhead: Alice “The Spiritual Housecleaner” Smith

There are many different ways to clean your house or apartment: Vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing, etc. But, when you clean, are you remembering the most important cleaning of all: Spiritual cleaning?

Yes, for those of you who thought that goblins, gremlins, and demons were merely characters found inside The Hobbit trilogy or the body of Whitney Houston, Alice Smith is here to tell you that they also live among the ‘cursed items’ in your house, such as shirts, rings, and blouses.

Oh my!

If you’re as gullible as I am, you’re probably asking yourself ‘How do these demons become attached to my things and can they become attached TO ME?!’

WELL, yes they can and I’ll explain how in a minute..

But first, let’s all take a walk down memory lane and into our 9th grade biology class where many of us learned about child birth during a (foul) video entitled The Miracle Of Life (or as I like to call it ‘Saved From The Jaws Of The Vagina’). During the video, we get to witness the birth of a baby and at the very end the cutting of the umbilical cord.

Unless you’re a baby delivering doctor (why can’t I think of the name for a doctor who delivers babies?), chances are you probably thought you’d never have to cut an umbilical cord in your life, right? Well that, my friend, is where you’re wrong. You see, everyday items, such as shirts, rings and blouses, have a ‘spiritual umbilical cord’ which attaches to you; giving demonic spirits the ability to ‘spiritually pollute’ your home; filling it with sickness.

Jeepers!

According to Alice Smith:

“Demons do not need a specific invitation to oppress and influence people’s lives; they sneak into homes, families and churches at the smallest opportunity, often under the noses of even the most vigilant believers. Spiritual House Cleaning explains, step by step, how readers can rid their lives of the enemy’s influence … Many families, even Christian families, suffer needlessly from unseen evil infestations. This doesn’t just happen.

A demonically infected atmosphere is a result of “doors” that have been left open—doors of sin, even the sins of previous residents and of past generations! And evil’s grip is often maintained as a result of one’s possessions. Your home should reflect the pure, peaceful presence of Christ. A defiled spiritual atmosphere will affect you, your relationships, your health and even your success.”

You hear that?! ‘EVEN Christian families suffer needlessly from unseen evil infestations.’

Wow, I sure am enlightened. I really appreciate Alice Smith informing me of the danger of spiritual umbilical cords. You know, because I really need MORE items in my house to clean.

Watch the video below.

Fred..

just had the following phone coversation with his mother:

MOTHER: Hi honey. Did I catch you at a bad time?

ME: No, I’m just killing time before my next meeting.

MOTHER: Oh ok. So what are you doing?

ME: Blocking ugly people on Grindr.

MOTHER: Oh, dear..you’re not actually telling them they’re ugly, are you?

ME: Not unless they’re persistent.

MOTHER: I’m afraid to ask..what is Grindr?

ME: The only outlet I have to flirt with men since I never go out anymore.

MOTHER: Well I hope you’re using protection..

ME: Yea, don’t worry, I cover my iPhone in latex before sticking it in my asshole. What are you TALKING about?!

Daily Dickhead: Bob “I Pledge Allegiance Against The Fag” Vander Plaats

Bob Vander Plaats is a businessman from Iowa who ran as the Republican candidate for Governor of the state back in 2010..and lost in the primary, despite the endorsement of mental giant Chuck Norris.

A few months ago, Vander Plaats made headlines for stealing Beyonce’s beaver and making it into a toupee that sits upon his pointy conservative dome. Oh, wait..I mean..

A few months ago, Vander Plaats made headlines for comparing homosexuality to 2nd hand smoke when he said “If we’re teaching the kids, ‘don’t smoke, because that’s a risky health style,’ the same can be true of the homosexual lifestyle.” (You know, because the homosexual lifestyle is being ‘taught’ to kids..Um.)

And a few months later, he’s making headlines again by publicly stating that he will not support any candidate for the Republican nomination in 2012 who does not sign a pledge which states (among other things) that:

  • Homosexuality is a choice..
  • Homosexuality is like polygamy, adultery and polyandry..
  • Homosexuality is a public health risk..
  • Sex is better after marriage..

AND (my favorite)..

  • Pornography should be banned.

1st in line to sign the pledge? Why, Michele Bachmann and her missing clitoris of course!

Dear Mr. Vander Plaats:

Please return Beyonce’s beaver and Michele Bachmann’s clitoris to their rightful owners unharmed and there will be no problems.

Oh, and you are today’s Daily Dickhead.

Forever,

Fred Hystere

 

 

Fred..

thinks that, since her husband has clearly never found it for her, someone needs to give Michele Bachmann a map to find her clitoris. Banning pornography? Seriously? Get a life, get a vibrator and join the rest of the world.

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