As you may have heard, the legalization of gay marriage is ruining lives left and right. Heterosexual marriages are being thrown into disarray; natural disasters are tearing the earth apart; animals are dying at random and in droves; and farmers are divorcing their wives and marrying their cattle. Yes, gay people are plotting a world takeover which will include making it illegal for women to have any haircut other than Martina Navratilova’s infamous mullet circa 1991, and renaming every island in the world to La Isla Bonita.

But, unfortunately, there’s more..

Last week, Michele Batshitty Bachmann’s campaign announced that it had named Tamara Scott to serve as its Iowa Co-Chair. In order to mark such a momentous occasion, Tamara decided the most logical way to celebrate would be to hop aboard the crazy train and head straight into the arms of toupee’d former Iowa gubernatorial candidate (and total goober), Bob Vander Plaats, to warn the world of yet another consequence of the gay agenda: People marrying objects – like the Eiffel Tower. Seriously.

She says: “We have in Boston – in Illinois – polyamory sex. We didn’t bring up even the objective sexualism: When a woman marries the Eiffel Tower, or  someone marries an object. Now will we again – and when I say this all of you at home are (probably) thinking ‘This woman is NUTS!’ I’m not making it up..”

You? Nuts? Nah.. Maybe a tad geographically challenged (Boston, Illinois?), but certainly not nuts. In fact, I can personally vouch for the truth that Tamara speaks because I saw it with my own gay eyes.

When gay marriage was legalized in Iowa back in 2009, like many gays, I decided to go to Paris to celebrate. Upon arriving at Charles de Gaulle Airport, I decided to get my souvenir shopping out of the way. But to my dismay, EVERY shop was sold out of anything remotely shaped like the Eiffel Tower. While I was certainly upset, I didn’t think anything of it – until I arrived in downtown Paris. What I witnessed can only be described as the sickest consequence of allowing gay people to marry in Iowa..

:::cue Twilight Zone theme song:::

..as the complete sexual objectification of monuments all over the city of lights had begun! Everywhere I turned women were walking around with Eiffel Tower souvenirs sticking out of their vaginas. They’d taken over every restaurant, cafe, bus, subway and sidewalk with their sick public displays of souvenir affection – and there was nothing I could do.

I’ve never been so scared in my life!

So what did I do? Well, I did what any self-respecting gay man does in such a crisis – I looked for signs of Jesus in every nook, cranny, book and granny. I searched and searched and searched..until FINALLY I found him on a piece of toast; hopped on board and flew back to the US – safe and sound.

Nobody should have to go through the ordeal that I went through in Paris in 2009. We all must listen to Tamara Scott and prevent gay couples from living happy lives together with protection under the law before women beginning acting out and marrying monuments all over the country.

Watch her PSA below and vote for Michele Bachmann for President in 2012. Please.

There are many legitimate reasons not to let gays have equal protection under the law – and by ‘many’ I mean zero. In the last few years we’ve heard that giving equal rights to gay people will lead to everything from men marrying farm animals, to an increase in natural disasters, to the ruining of countless heterosexual marriages – not to mention the resurrection of Mariah Carey’s career. But while all of those fears are completely warranted, the one we all really need to pay close attention to is the rampant trend of gay murderers infiltrating every major US city. Allow me to explain..

Yesterday, the great metropolis that is Oklahoma City voted 7-2 in favor of adding sexual orientation to the city’s law against discrimination in the workplace – which is a pretty healthy margin considering you’d be hard pressed to find a more conservative state in the union than Oklahoma.

After the vote (I think), a town hall meeting was held in the city for residents to voice their opinions on the measure. And though I’m sure there were a whole host of wonderfully mullet’d points of view spoken into the microphone, it’s difficult to imagine that anyone arrived to the forum on the same crazy train as a Pastor named Tom Vineyard; who said:

“Let me give you some statistics..while there are only 2%-3% of the population that are homosexual, they account for 60% of all syphilis cases; homosexuals account for a disproportionate number of  Hepititis cases in North America. 70-80% in San Francisco; 66% in New York; 56% in Toronto; 42% in Montreal. I don’t think that’s what we’re looking for when we’re looking towards other cities to keep up with them. Depending on the city, 30-39% of homosexuals are infested with intestinal parasites – common in 3^rd World countries. Again, I don’t think that’s what we’re looking for when we look to other cities. Judge John Martaw, Chief Magistrate of the New York City criminal court stated ‘homosexuals account for half the murderers in large cities..”

Now, while it may seem as though Pastor Vineyard’s case against protecting gays from workplace discrimination is a little..oh, I dunno..random, he really does make a few compelling arguments. I mean for one, I think we can all agree that no one wants to work with someone who has syphilis or hepatitis – and  if we do, why we can’t fire them for having either disease is beyond me. (I’m hoping you are all sensing my sarcasm, here..). And thank god (as I’m sure Mr. Vineyard spends most of his waking days doing) that he cited Canadian statistics for his American argument because we all know how Canadians love to smuggle their STDs across the US border. Oh and I may just eat alone from now on if I have to eat lunch next to one more gay guy with intestinal parasites.

What.tha.fuck.dot.com?

What a turd.

Watch the video below.

I hadn’t planned on responding to the Penn State sex abuse scandal until I read Eve Ensler’s brilliantly angry piece about rape in the Huffington Post – and then I got mad.

The response to the Penn State sex abuse scandal has been one of the most disappointing things I’ve ever witnessed. From the muted response from the school itself to the outcry of support for the school’s beloved football coach, Joe Paterno, to the lack of focus placed on the victims themselves, I have never been more disgusted by another sex abuse scandal in my life. (Another sex abuse scandal? What kind of world do we live in that we have so many sex abuse scandals that I can rank them?)

Why am I so enraged about this subject specifically? Because it’s personal.

Many of you may be aware that I’m a survivor of sexual abuse – having been through one of the most horrific experiences as a child that you could ever imagine. As someone who prefers talking about other people’s problems as opposed to his own, understand that it’s difficult for me to talk about this. Extremely. But it’s more important to get the word out that surviving sexual abuse is a lifelong battle and one that’s taken me 30 years to overcome. 30 years – and it’s still a daily struggle.

For years I didn’t think I’d make it, and in fact was certain that I wouldn’t even make it to my 30^th birthday. While most 4 year olds were learning how to tie their shoes, I was learning how to perform oral sex. And while everyone else was losing their teeth, I was losing my virginity. Think about that for a minute – then imagine what it must feel like to have a body conditioned to do one thing and a mind conditioned to do another. It’s torture, plain and simple.

I had problems focusing in school and was made to feel like an idiot when my report card would be littered with C’s, D’s and F’s. But no one had any idea what I was going through on a daily basis. I was more concerned with filling my body’s craving for danger than I was with filling everyone else’s need for me to be a good student. I tried so hard to focus and keep my demons at bay, but I was never able to. They always found a way of infiltrating my mind just as they’d physically infiltrated my body, at the hand of someone else, as a four year-old.

I’ve struggled for decades to accept myself and my body’s sexual desires. I’ve fought and fought and fought myself and I’ve only just begun to understand that it’s possible to keep your body’s craving for danger at bay and invite love inside instead. If that sounds crazy, it’s because it is! Because of what I went through as a four year-old, I’ve been forced to talk to my body and tell it that everything’s going to be ok. I’ve had to keep the craving for fear out, in order to try and lead some semblance of normal life – all while growing up as a homosexual male.

I’ve always struggled with using the word ‘survivor’ to describe myself after what I’ve been through. Why? Because like most victims, I’ve been shamed into a life of never wanting to play the victim. The way our fucked up society works, talking about sex is a no-no, and in the past few weeks we’ve seen victims of sexual harassment mocked instead of cared for; we’ve seen victims of sexual abuse ignored while people worry about a football coach and his legacy. Well I’m here to tell you right now that, while he may think of himself as part of the solution, Joe Paterno is part of the problem. A big part. He watched idly as boys were raped and now, at the age of 84, he finds himself old and having lived a great life – while victims of the rapes that he witnessed have had to struggle to survive.

I’m someone that doesn’t believe in holding grudges, but I also don’t always believe in forgiveness. I will never forgive the man who raped me as a young boy, stole my virginity and nearly confused me into committing suicide on many occasions. But I also don’t forgive Joe Paterno or any of the students that are supporting him right now. They have no idea what it’s like to live the life of somebody that’s been raped as a child – because, if they did, they wouldn’t forgive either.

Like Eve Ensler, I’m over it – and I don’t know what the solution is. Because if it were up to me, all abusers would be castrated and imprisoned for life. Whether it’s Chris Brown, Michael Vick or Jerry Sandusky, why should these men be allowed to go on and live normally after destroying the lives of others?

Answer? They shouldn’t.

Dutch Sheets n. 1) Bed clothing pulled over one’s head after their partner farts into them 2) Bed clothing scented by marijuana cigarettes 3) A religious right Christian fuckwad who believes that Barack Obama is a Muslim. (No, seriously – that’s really his name.)

Sheets is a self-proclaimed prophet and an ‘internationally known speaker and author;’ having written a best-seller, that I know is on all of your bookshelves, called Intercessory Prayer. He lives in Alabama with his equally oddly-named wife, Ceci, and their children Poopoo, Salad and Peanut. (Those aren’t really their names, but they might as well be. Am I right?)

According to his website, Sheets’s greatest passion is to ‘see awakening in our day and reformation in our lifetime’ - which must make him a joy to wake up next to every day when he realizes that yet again his prayers have not been answered.

When he’s not busy imitating farty bed clothes, Dutch Sheets can be heard making reaaaaaaally useful stuttering commentary about the religion of our President, by saying things like:

“We have a Muslim President – and maybe he’s going to turn to god; and we pray for him. Maybe he’s going to turn and be a – a person that god uses in more than just some of the ways that we appreciate the fact that we’ve reached this point in America. But for now we understand – of course it’s not just Barack, Barack Obama – it’s the Congress- and it’s not just the Democrats because, look, I’d get rid of most of the Republicans too.”

Classy, irrelevant..and Republican.

But, but, BUT…there’s more! Even better than his ignorant Obama-is-a-Muslim commentary, is the fake-prophetic garbage tucked away inside a recent fundraising letter, cunningly disguised as a Call To Prayer, in which Mr. Sheets warns of impending terrorist attacks on US soil by saying:

“Within the last few months I have had several credible dreams presented to me about this, five of which have been within the last week.”

Oh, no! Mon dieu! So, Dutch, what exactly happens in these ‘credible dreams?!’

“I don’t feel it is necessary to give details from the dreams – suffice it to say that the attacks seen were worse than 9/11.”

Oh..Okay! I’ve never heard of a ‘credible dream’ but I’m sure that if anyone has them, you do – considering you’re such a successful prophet, and whatnot.

The best part of the whole letter? It’s signed “Thank you for joining me in this watchman alert.”

What the fuck is a ‘watchman alert’ and are superheroes involved?

I guess the moral of the story is that if you happen to see a Chuck Norris lookalike who looks as if he’s ready to cropdust your house, call the police – it’s probably Dutch Sheets.

Watch the video below.