Dutch Sheets n. 1) Bed clothing pulled over one’s head after their partner farts into them 2) Bed clothing scented by marijuana cigarettes 3) A religious right Christian fuckwad who believes that Barack Obama is a Muslim. (No, seriously – that’s really his name.)
Sheets is a self-proclaimed prophet and an ‘internationally known speaker and author;’ having written a best-seller, that I know is on all of your bookshelves, called Intercessory Prayer. He lives in Alabama with his equally oddly-named wife, Ceci, and their children Poopoo, Salad and Peanut. (Those aren’t really their names, but they might as well be. Am I right?)
According to his website, Sheets’s greatest passion is to ‘see awakening in our day and reformation in our lifetime’ - which must make him a joy to wake up next to every day when he realizes that yet again his prayers have not been answered.
When he’s not busy imitating farty bed clothes, Dutch Sheets can be heard making reaaaaaaally useful stuttering commentary about the religion of our President, by saying things like:
“We have a Muslim President – and maybe he’s going to turn to god; and we pray for him. Maybe he’s going to turn and be a – a person that god uses in more than just some of the ways that we appreciate the fact that we’ve reached this point in America. But for now we understand – of course it’s not just Barack, Barack Obama – it’s the Congress- and it’s not just the Democrats because, look, I’d get rid of most of the Republicans too.”
Classy, irrelevant..and Republican.
But, but, BUT…there’s more! Even better than his ignorant Obama-is-a-Muslim commentary, is the fake-prophetic garbage tucked away inside a recent fundraising letter, cunningly disguised as a Call To Prayer, in which Mr. Sheets warns of impending terrorist attacks on US soil by saying:
“Within the last few months I have had several credible dreams presented to me about this, five of which have been within the last week.”
Oh, no! Mon dieu! So, Dutch, what exactly happens in these ‘credible dreams?!’
“I don’t feel it is necessary to give details from the dreams – suffice it to say that the attacks seen were worse than 9/11.”
Oh..Okay! I’ve never heard of a ‘credible dream’ but I’m sure that if anyone has them, you do – considering you’re such a successful prophet, and whatnot.
The best part of the whole letter? It’s signed “Thank you for joining me in this watchman alert.”
What the fuck is a ‘watchman alert’ and are superheroes involved?
I guess the moral of the story is that if you happen to see a Chuck Norris lookalike who looks as if he’s ready to cropdust your house, call the police – it’s probably Dutch Sheets.
Watch the video below.