Cindy Jacobs, The Fortune Telling Gay Demon Exorcist, believes she’s a prophet!

Today’s Dickhead is world renowned Gay Demon Exorcist, Cindy Jacobs, who has been working hard on her resume and has now added Fortune Teller to her already rapidly growing areas of expertise.

You see, Cindy has the inside side track from god, who has been warning her specifically about everything from the attacks on 9/11 to attempted coups in both Nigeria AND Ghana. However, while she was able to personally thwart the attempted overthrow of Nigerian President, Olusegun Obasanjo, by the country’s Vice President by making a phone call (yea, seriously..), I guess she decided *not* to warn ANYONE that planes were going to be flown into the World Trade Center on 9/11!

Nice, Cindy. But, hey, you’re going to heaven, right? So we’ll just let that one slip, m’kay?

She says: “One time we were going to see the President of Nigeria, Olusegun Obasanjo…we were going to him and these people were milling around this area they call The Villa (The White House) and there was a man sitting to the side…I didn’t know who he was…and the lord said he was going to try to take over the country and do a coup..go warn The President!”

Wow, Cindy is so lucky to have people like the President of Nigeria in her rolodex in case someone wants to ‘do a coup.’

One would think that after saving Nigeria, Cindy might decide to light some scented Jesus candles and relax, right? Wrong! Not our Cindy. She’s got more African nations to save. Quick! To the Jesus phone!

One night, Cindy invited a friend from Ghana over for dinner (you know, cuz Cindy’s group of friends is like a veritable United Nations). And while she was snacking on chips and salsa, god told her to have her Ghanaian dinner guest call the President Of Ghana and warn him of a coup attempt on his government..or something.

She says: “Between the chips and salsa..we were with a leader, I think from Ghana..and I said ‘Do you know The President?’..he said ‘yea’ and I said ‘Look, the military’s gonna try to do a coup. Now, call him up and tell him.. if everybody starts praying, you watch this,’ll get averted.’ And I go back to eating chips and salsa.”

Wow. Saving African nations while snacking on chips and salsa? Amazing.

*Side note: I love how she says ‘I think from Ghana.’ Imagine if she’d attempted to thwart a coup attempt in the WRONG COUNTRY..(PS: I have NO CLUE what the hell this bitch is talking about..)

This and many more stories of prophetic heroism came to light last week when Cindy spent a few days as a guest on Jim Bakker’s religious-orgy-hour with fellow ‘prophet’ Mike Bickle of “Oprah is the antichrist” fame.

Aside from religiously high-fiving Cindy for her double-African-coup thwarting, the three fortune tellers spent the better part of one show verbally masturbating one another for prophesizing the attacks on 9/11.  We come to find that Bakker himself actually predicted the 9/11 attacks back in 1999, and claims that the attacks were ‘god’s judgment of America’ and occurred because ‘god let his hand down of protection for those planes to come in to hit those buildings.’

No word yet on why he didn’t inform anyone about the 9/11 attacks before they happened, but he’s going to it’s all good!

However, sadly, it actually looks as though god isn’t done ‘letting down his hand of protection’ just yet. Because, according to god (via Cindy), ‘he’ will remove his hand of protection over the US, and we can expect a nuclear catastrophe, ‘if we keep trying to divide Israel.’ 

Uh oh!

Cindy, isn’t there *anything* you can say to god that will convince him to stop removing his hand of protection over the US? I’ll do anything aside from having sex with women. Anything. SAAAAAAVE US, CINDY!


*Side note: When sharing this article on Facebook, the word ‘renowned’ is incorrectly spelled as ‘renown’ for some reason. I HATE typos, so make the change yourself when sharing the article. Thanks.

If you want music, you’ll find it everywhere on this site..If you want to laugh, go to the Daily Fred section and read all of my silly daily observations about life, people, and politicians.

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