After having what was quite possibly the most stressful day I’ve had in years yesterday, I really needed to find a lighthearted story to write about for today’s Daily Dickhead post. So I went looking through the Google Alerts I have set up for some of my favorite villagers occupying Crazytown USA; you know like Bachmann, Huckabee, etc. While there are plenty of comically inane stories one can attribute to those two, the Queen Of Fucktards of late seems to be Jane “I’m Really Not A Lesbo..I Swear” Porter.
You may remember that Porter is responsible for Ohio’s “Heartbeat Bill” for which she…ummm..recruited (?) a couple of fetuses to testify before a court in opposition to abortion. Well Porter has been rounding up fetuses left and right and holding rallies across the state of Ohio to drum up support for her cause. (No word on whether the fetuses show up on their own or whether they’re escorted by their parents to the event, but I’ll be sure to keep you posted)
At a recent event in Columbus, AN ELECTED OFFICIAL/firecrotch named Jarrod Firebush Martin came up with quite possibly the most brilliant rationale for passing the Heartbeat Bill: Drumroll, please…………………..
It will help the US compete with China!
Yes, because I’m sure that the FIRST thing that a woman who’s been impregnated by rape thinks to herself while weighing the pros and cons about whether or not to have an abortion is “having this baby will be one giant step towards the US competing with China for the title of #1 economic power……so I think I’ll do it!”
He says: “When you look at China and you look at their population, the population growth that China has and other Third World countries have compared to the population growth of the United States; China right now how more children in AP and gifted classes than the United States has in school. Think about that, they have more children in their gifted classes than we have in our entire school system. And we are killing thousands and tens of thousands of babies every year. How do we compete? We have to think about our future. That’s a little bit of economics behind this bill.”
OMG! He’s SO RIGHT! China DOES have more children in AP and gifted classes than we have in school and I’m sure that the fact that China’s population is more than 4 times that of the US has nothing to do with that, right? Aaaaaaaand I’m also positive that if abortion were outlawed here in the US, babies would go straight from the womb and into their AP English classes, with defeating China on their minds, and never look back! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
So, ladies, the next time you consider having an abortion, remember that the power to unseat China as the #1 economic superpower in the world lies within your own va-China. ie: Have those mothafuckin babies! Got it?