Fred..

just had a funny conversation with a good friend who shall remain nameless. NAMELESS FRIEND: I’m headed into the city for a party so I’ve gotta run..Let’s catch up next week. ME: Ok, have fun and score some dick. NAMELESS FRIEND: Trust me, I want some. Seriously, my vagina has cobwebs.

Fred..

had the following text conversation at 7:22am this morning : ‘It’s Rusty. Wanna fuck this afternoon?’ Me: I have two questions for you, Rusty. 1) Have we met? 2) Is your last name Trombone by any chance?

Fred..

had another disturbing sex dream about Paula Deen last night. Ugh. This time she tasted like her apple pie. I guess on the bright side at least she’s ‘in season’ with the apples..

Fred..

just got nervous ordering breakfast from the (not very bright) hot Italian guy at the deli and asked the most bizarre questions as a result: Me: Do you guys have nice sausage here? HIG: Huh? Me: I mean is it shaped like a patty or a link? HIG: Uh, I dunno man..we just have regular sausage. Me: Great, I’ll have an egg and cheese with regular sausage. (WHAT?)

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